When I was around twenty years old, I went to Barnes & Noble and randomly bought a book that sounded intriguing: Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. The author, Professor Brett Kahr, interviewed more than 23,000 people across the United States and the United Kingdom about their most private sexual fantasies, and this book was a result of his findings.
My main takeaway from his book was that our most private, potent fantasies often have something to do with our pasts, and while we may keep them secret out of shame or fear of judgment, even the darkest fantasies don’t make us monsters. Later in life, when I became a sex and relationship coach, this mentality was tremendously helpful in supporting clients to greater acceptance of what turned them on, helping them let go of shame and perhaps providing introspection into their own histories.
As I started putting together my article, Kink 101, I reached out to Professor Kahr to see if he’d be willing to discuss this influential book and was thrilled when he agreed. Above, you’ll watch us discuss his research process, how our fantasies begin, and how often people share them with their partners (hint: it’s less often than you think).
If you’d like to engage more with Professor Kahr’s work, you can:
Buy Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies and take the sexual fantasy questionnaire at the end to learn more about yourself
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