Kink 101
A beginner's guide to BDSM and how to play with safety and authenticity
When you think of kinky sex play, what comes to mind? Rope, whips, latex outfits? Dark things? Weird things? Shameful things? Mainstream media pushes a certain narrative (I’m looking at you, Fifty Shades of Grey), but the world of kink is truly limitless and can be adapted to anyone’s tastes.
Polls regularly report that between 30-40% of those surveyed admit to engaging with BDSM during sex - imagine how much higher that number would be if we were to consider folks who are interested but won’t admit it or those who haven’t had the opportunity to explore it yet. Even if you consider yourself “vanilla,” you’re very likely to engage with someone who has less conventional desires. Perhaps you have some secrets of your own that you haven’t shared with a partner, a fantasy you’ve always wanted to explore, or a skill you’ve wanted to build. Whether you like dungeons and handcuffs or sunlight and loving touch, there are always ways to adapt to what works for you and your partner.
For this article, I’ve interviewed Midori, a world-renowned sexologist with a specialty in kink, BDSM, and alternative sex and the author of The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. We’ll explore the definitions of kinks, fetishes, and BDSM and the different ways you can engage with these ideas and play safely. We’ll get into the dynamics and energies of BDSM so you can find a way to explore that feels less like a costume you’re putting on and more authentic to who you are.
A vocabulary lesson
Let’s start with defining some words and acronyms. A turn-on is anything that you perceive or experience that causes arousal. Typically, this refers to something that’s considered “acceptable” within your culture or the mainstream. By contrast, a kink is defined as a turn-on that deviates from the mainstream, but I like to add that anything that deviates from your own “norm” can be a kink for you. For some people, having sex in a position that’s not missionary is kinky, but to others, position variation is a normal part of their sexual experiences.
A fetish is a kink that someone requires to become aroused or have an orgasm. If you feel a special thrill when you wear high-heeled shoes during sex, high heels might be your kink, but if you require them to have sex, you could call that a fetish.
BDSM is a common acronym you’ll see in most conversations or writings about kink because it acts as an umbrella term that encapsulates many kinky behaviors. B stands for bondage, D stands for discipline or domination, S stands for submission or sadism, and M stands for masochism. Midori shared with me her definition of kinky play: “My definition of BDSM is this: childhood joyous play with adult privilege and cool toys. It's cops and robbers with shagging - shagging optional.”
Someone might be a “top” (meaning they prefer to provide, manage, or “give” in the experience), a “bottom” (they prefer to receive), or a “switch” (enjoying going from one role to another, sometimes within the same scenario or alternating the roles they play based on their mood).
Someone might prefer sensory kink (experiences they feel physically like blindfolds, bondage, or intense sensations like dripping wax or impact like spanking). Another might prefer psychological kink (giving or obeying commands, following a specific set of instructions, being humiliated, or being told they’re good/bad).
Tip: Now that you know some of these terms, reflect on which of these stand out to you or resonate. If you have a partner, ask them which of these terms resonates for them. Can you identify where you’ve seen these experiences played out in movies, TV, or books?
Is there something wrong with me?
Folks who are aware they like things that differ from the social norms may feel shame, but it isn’t necessary. Midori believes a desire for kinky play is quite normal. She said, “It's not about cruelty; it's not about harm. It is, however, being the pushy one in the game of tag. Let's separate that from clinical sadism. Unfortunately, the same words [are] used for really evil people, but most people who play with kink are good people who want childhood joyous play. Push a little bit, get pushed a little bit, feel the vibrancy of life. And as mammals, we need environmental enrichment. It's play.”
Let’s think about this in contexts outside of the bedroom. Midori explained, “I like a heavy massage, but not always. Sometimes I would like just a gentle Swedish massage. Likewise, spicy food, right? Think of sadism and masochism not as cruelty or pain, but about [creating or enjoying] more intense sensation than usual."
She continued, “Let's face it, adulting sucks. And somewhere, and especially for people who are conscientious and responsible people, we end up putting aside our childish ways. Sometimes I hear people saying, ‘Oh no, don't sexualize our childhoods.’ And that's not what I'm doing. I'm childing our boring-ass adulthoods.” Kinky play can be a way to get creative and play with our partner, explore sides of ourselves we don’t normally interact with, and fulfill new desires. “Kink is about creating joy together,” she said. “It is mutuality.”
Does it mean we have to stay in these roles all the time? According to Midori, no. “Sometimes people think that if I engage in being in charge or being a follower, engaging in dominance or submission, that it should carry outside of the bedroom,” she said. “When the crown comes off, it's back to you and me.”
Safety considerations
Let’s talk about consent
Before we talk about how to engage in BDSM, we must consider consent. Never engage in these dynamics without discussing them with your partner ahead of time - preferably before you’re in an erotic scenario together. There are a couple of acronyms people in kinky lifestyles use to consider whether or not it’s a good idea to play into the areas they’ve been discussing with a partner:
SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual
Safe: Is what we’re doing physically and mentally safe for you and me? Inflicting pain is one thing, but inflicting injury is another. How do we define injury? What’s the line?
Sane: Are we both mentally and emotionally stable enough to engage in this type of experience? Are we sober? It’s never recommended to proceed if one of you is angry at the other, if there’s impairment from drugs or alcohol, or if someone is in the grips of a mental health crisis. What can you do to check in with yourself before playing, and how will you know your partner is in a bad place mentally or emotionally?
Consensual: Do we both agree that this is a good idea that will benefit both of us? When we discuss this idea, are we each a “yes,” a “no,” or a “willing”? If your answer is “maybe,” take that as “no.” And if your answer is “willing,” is it an enthusiastic “willing” or a begrudging “willing”? For context, an enthusiastic “willing” can sound like “I’ve never tried this and I’m not sure if I’ll like it, but it could be fun, so I’m willing to try.” A begrudging “willing” can sound like “Fine, I’ll do it, but only because it’s your birthday/to make you stop harassing me about it.”
The 4 C’s: Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution
Caring: Are you engaging in this activity in a way that’s considerate of your partner’s needs and desires? Are you aware of what you need? Do you know how to advocate for yourself?
Communication: Have you talked about what you’d each like to get out of this experience? Have you defined safe words, boundaries, and limits?
Consent: It’s important to know how into the idea your partner is, but it’s also important to check in with yourself. Midori said, “I might be nervous, I might be a little unsure, I might be anxious, I might be feeling inadequate, I might be a bit overwhelmed. Those are different than ‘Do I want to do this?’” And if it feels like a chore, she said, “That is boring adulting. The first thing going into play, whether you're topping or bottoming, is consent with self.”
Caution: Be aware of risks to safety and health. Be careful about building up to your partner’s limits and avoiding crossing them.
Tip: Make a list of every sexy or kinky act you’ve heard of and ask your partner to do the same. Make a column for “want to,” “willing to,” and “no.” Mark your list accordingly, swap with your partner, then discuss!
The importance of safe words
Safe words are a cue to let your partner know you’ve reached a limit during play. If you haven’t used them during sex, you may have seen them discussed in TV shows or movies. Using a safe word doesn’t always have to signal the end of the entire play session - it could simply be a request for a check-in, a change in activities or positions, or a moment to breathe before resuming. They need to be words you wouldn’t likely hear during the activity you’re engaged in: A word like “ouch” shouldn’t be used as a safe word if you’re exploring impact play (spanking, flogging, etc.) because you might say “ouch” even though you’re enjoying yourself and don’t want to stop. It’s important to note that when someone uses a safe word, it’s not a request - it’s a command, and it must be honored immediately.
I recommend a more comprehensive (and easy-to-remember) way to communicate: red, yellow, and green. Based on the US stoplight progression, the word green means “this is great, keep going,” yellow means “proceed with caution, but don’t stop,” and red means “stop right now.” If you’re the top in a session and you’re unsure how much your partner is enjoying themselves, you can prompt them to confirm their color. If what you’re doing involves full mouths that can’t articulate words, you can place a ball or a sock in your partner’s hand that they can drop if they need to stop or check in.
Tip from Midori: Talk about what your partner will see or hear if things are going well, or what they’ll see or hear if things are not going well. Determine your safe words before you start playing.
Spanking, flogging, and other impact items
If you like the idea of impact, consider if you prefer a “thuddy” sensation or a “sting-y” sensation. Hitting with the side of a fist (along the blade of the hand, not the knuckles), using a paddle, or wielding a heavy flogger are all ways to create a deeper (thuddy) sensation due to the wider amount of space they cover on impact. A riding crop or cane can cause a more superficial sting, depending on the level of force and part of the body targeted.
Parts of the body you can safely target for impact:
The buttocks
Shoulders/trapezius muscles
Thighs
Calves
Arms
Belly
Breasts
Parts of the body that you should avoid with heavy impact:
The face and skull
Throat
Back of the neck and along the spinal column
Above the buttocks (where the kidneys are located)
Tops of feet or hands
Joints
Ribs
Generally, body parts that have a higher level of fat or muscle are safer for impact, while bonier or more delicate parts of the body should be avoided.
If you’re the top in an impact session, start light before progressing to heavier strikes - a sensation that builds can be more pleasurable than a sudden, hard strike. But as always, ask your partner what they like.
Tip: If you’re testing a new impact toy, try it on yourself first. Use it on your own thighs or arms to see how easy it is to control and note if it’s more of a thud or a sting. If you’re a top, practice on your own with a pillow to make sure you can aim well when using it with a partner. Sanitize impact toys after use and if they can’t be sanitized, keep them away from genitals or lubricants.
Getting started with bondage
Being restrained - struggling against someone or something - can be a source of pleasure. But it’s important to make sure that you’re safely binding your partner with the right materials and keeping them safe during the experience.
A couple of safety tips:
Never, ever leave your partner bound and unattended. If you need to use the restroom after binding your partner, pause the scene and free them first.
Keep a pair of safety scissors nearby. If your partner panics or needs to be freed quickly, safety scissors ensure you can do so without stabbing them.
When it comes to materials for binding, the sky’s the limit! Ropes you’d find at a sex toy store are made to avoid leaving marks on the skin, but if you enjoy rope burn, your local hardware store will have plenty of options. Cotton is a great material to start with if you’re new to rope, and the Shibari community often uses hemp or jute rope.
Practice, practice, practice! If you’re unfamiliar with rope knots, there are myriad online resources to explore, and you may be able to find in-person classes nearby if you search for them. Trying to figure out how to tie someone in the middle of a scene is likely to lead to frustration for both parties, so get your practice in beforehand. You can practice on your partner if they’re a willing aid, practice with your own legs, or tie the rope around the legs of a table or chair.
If rope and knots are intimidating, there are countless other options for restraint. You can use cuffs made of leather or silicone, scarves, or, according to Midori, “You know that U-Haul plastic pallet wrap thing that's got a spinny handle? Those are great (but don’t put it over the face).” Or, “A yoga mat makes a nice human burrito. Put a person in the yoga mat [and secure with] belts.” A word of caution: Avoid metal handcuffs, which can cause nerve damage if the person struggles against them.
Tip: Short on bondage materials? Use your words. Example: “You’re going to kneel and put your hands behind your back/on the bedframe. No matter what I do, you’re going to keep your hands there.”
Role-playing like a pro
If you’re an introvert or someone who hates performing, being asked to role-play with a partner may be intimidating. Let’s take a look at how you can engage with this in a way that feels fun and low-stakes. Midori laughed and said, “Look, this is not winning the Academy Award. We’re all going to look goofy.”
She continued, “[Maybe] that means putting on a Burger King paper crown and saying, ‘I am the queen of the fucking bedroom tonight. You shall bow down and worship this crown.’ I'm going to laugh. You're going to laugh. And it's an excuse to have fun together, right? It's an excuse to not have to be fricking responsible all the goddamn time.”
She suggested that you start by identifying the things you and your partner normally enjoy doing together. “Let's say that your partner likes to go down on you or you like to go down on them. We can kinkify it by playing the ‘Will You? to You Will’ game. So instead of me saying to you, ‘Hey honey, would you go down on me?’ it becomes, ‘You will go down on me.’ Now it's already something that you and I like, so I don't have to go through the nervous navigation of asking for something that I don't know if you'll like or whether you'll judge me for it. We already know we like this and we decided that I'm going to be the queen of fucking everything with my Burger King crown giving me the authority.”
But what if your partner asks you to play a role that feels way too out of character for you? What if you truly can’t imagine behaving the way they want you to? Look beyond what they want you to do to what this means for them. Midori suggested asking, “How do you want to feel? How do you think this would make you feel? And what other ways can we get you to that feeling?”
Ultimately, there’s always a way to ensure you both have a good time. She said, “When a person says, ‘I want you to be this way,’ what they're saying is, ‘I want you to facilitate me feeling ____.’”
Tip: The next time you and your partner talk about having sex, ask how they want to feel. Ask how they want you to facilitate them feeling. Consider if that would feel good for you.
Kink and energy play
Energetic polarity is a central part of BDSM, which is what can make it so hot for folks. Landing in a different energy than you’re used to, playing a role you don’t normally play, or trying new sensations can be wonderful ways to get to know your partner and yourself better. But unless you’re a former theater kid, you may find it intimidating to pretend to be someone you’re not or to inflict pain on someone you love dearly. But not all kinks involve fear, pain, or darkness. Midori said, “It can be sweet, it can be gentle, and it does not compromise the flow of the experience. In fact, it can go deeper.”
Realizing that kink can be adapted to your real-life personality can be the gateway to making it feel more authentic and accessible.
Dominance and submission
Some folks struggle with a partner’s request that they be dominant or submissive. Those can be loaded words, but let’s consider them differently. How about “in control” and “surrendered”?
Ways you might already experience being in control:
Managing a team or department at work
Being a business owner
Running a household or parenting
Holding a child while they cry
Telling your hairstylist what kind of haircut you want
Planning events or trips
Picking the movie or restaurant
Telling your partner what you want in bed
Ways you might already experience being surrendered to the moment:
Receiving a massage
Being waited on at a restaurant
Allowing someone to care for you when you’re sick or injured
Venting during a therapy session while your therapist holds space for you
Letting someone else help you around the house
Allowing your partner to plan your date night
People often assume if someone is being dominant, they’re being bossy, mean, or demanding. While that can hot to some people, consider that if you’re the top or dominant one, you have the responsibility to create and manage the container in which your partner can experience pleasure through surrender. No matter how dark a scenario you build, topping is an act of service and care.
Tip: Folks who spend a lot of their daily lives managing details and being in control may enjoy sexual experiences or dates that they don’t have to plan and manage. Consider the dynamic in your relationship: would either of you enjoy letting yourself be taken care of?
Light and dark energy
Let’s also consider light energy versus dark energy and how you can step into a different one. Are you usually the darker and moodier one? Are you the silly jokester? Do you prefer to maintain those energies in bed, or do you like the idea of allowing yourself to be different from your everyday energy?
If you like the idea of stepping into darker energies, perhaps you’d like:
A playlist with driving bass or icy vocals
A dark room lit with candles (real or battery-powered) or red light (smart bulbs allow you to change the color of the room from an app on your phone)
Clothing or accessories that make you feel powerful: heels, a sexy dress, a suit, leather cuffs, special makeup
Using a deeper vocal tone or more direct vocabulary
If a lighter energy feels more authentic for you, you might like:
A massage or yoga playlist
Playing in the daytime (a blindfold can still be utilized)
Soft materials like feathers, fur, or silk
Scenarios that revolve around experiences like massages, being bathed, or being fed fresh fruit
Rewarding your partner for pleasing you or being rewarded for satisfying your partner
Aftercare
Engaging in kinky play can be a vulnerable experience for everyone involved. As a top, you might have expressed yourself in a way you never have before. You may have tried to demonstrate a skill like rope tying or flogging and feel unsure about your performance. As a bottom, you may have played to your physical limits or allowed someone to dominate you for the first time. Both of these roles can feel personally risky, and it’s important to share gratitude with your partner for exploring a different kind of terrain together.
If you’re the top, you’re responsible for bringing your partner safely out of the experience when it’s over. Cue returning to yourselves and the dynamics you usually lead and offer physical care to your partner when you’re done playing. Once your partner feels grounded and cared for, it’s polite for the roles of caring to reverse.
Aftercare can look like:
Removing blindfolds, collars, restraints, or toys and setting them to the side. (If someone has been blindfolded, cue them to place their hands over their eyes between when the blindfold is removed and when they open their eyes - it can help ease the transition back to light.)
Changing or turning off the music
Placing a blanket over your partner if they’re cold or turning on a fan if they’re hot
Getting them a glass of water
Cuddling (Be sure to ask them where or how they want to be touched - their skin might be very sensitive in certain areas, especially after impact play.)
Using pet names or nicknames you use in daily life
Bathing or showering together
Complimenting your partner or talking about the high points of the experience you shared
A note on gender and politics
If you were raised in a certain culture or religious environment, you may be predisposed to assume that men or masculine people should be the darker, more dominant partners, while women or feminine people should be the lighter, more submissive partners. None of these roles have to be gendered and it can be liberating to step outside roles you don’t normally consider for yourself.
However, it’s worth noting that, in many partnerships, the more feminine person will be expected to take on more around the house, planning events and remembering details on behalf of everyone else. You may have seen this described as the “mental load” in articles and social media posts over the last few years. If you’re the more masculine person in your relationship and your partner takes on more of the mental load, they may be less enthusiastic about planning additional sexual activities for you. If you’d like to be dominated or feel surrendered, have an honest discussion with your partner about the responsibilities within your household or relationship and how you can even out that mental load!
We may have sexual fantasies and desires that aren’t necessarily in line with our political views. A woman who considers herself a strong feminist may be disturbed by her fantasies of obeying and being dominated by a man, while a man who prides himself on his adherence to traditional gender roles may be confused by his desire to be forced to wear lipstick while his wife pegs him. Some folks fantasize about sex that’s outside their sexual orientation. Allow me to state, for the record: It’s absolutely ok to have fantasies that don’t line up with your daily persona. You may find that acting on them can feel liberating and fulfilling - and if you do, it won’t inherently change who you are or what you believe in.
Tip: If you’re distressed by your sexual fantasies, you can find an AASECT-approved mental health provider who can help you navigate your feelings. These folks are specially trained counselors and clinicians who focus on sexual issues.
Let’s play
Kink and BDSM can be a wonderful way to engage with your partner’s fantasies and desires, and to have your own brought to life! You can explore sides of your partner you’ve never seen before or learn more about your own capacity and limits. It can give you a way to co-create a fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner and learn new skills together. And don’t take it too seriously - if you try it and don’t like it, you’ll have a new story to laugh about together.
My hope is that this article has given you new ideas to explore with your partner, particularly if you’re new to the world of kink. I hope you feel empowered with some foundational concepts and understand that exploring BDSM doesn’t have to mean putting on a costume, memorizing a script, or being someone you’re not.
Want to explore these ideas with your partner? Share this article with them and ask what they think!
If you’d like more in-depth suggestions on how to ask for what you want in bed and how to receive requests from your partner, check out my sexual communication guide, Speaking Up. Paid subscribers can expect upcoming posts that include my interviews with Midori and Professor Brett Kahr, author of Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? along with recommendations for kinky toys and tools you can trust.
Special thanks to Midori for our interview and for the work she does in this world. You can learn more about her here.