On Post-Election Sex and Pleasure

How coming back to the body grounds us, feeds us, and fuels change.

Regardless of whether you voted, for whom you voted, or even whether you live in the United States, the uncertainty of what’s to come in the wake of Trump’s second term as President is felt worldwide.

If you’re feeling anxious, heartbroken, angry, or uncertain, I’m writing today for you. In this article, I’ll discuss pleasure as a way to nourish yourself and those you love. I’ll share somatic (body-based) methods of finding safety in your body and being present. This article is intended to give your nervous system a gentle break from the overwhelm you may be feeling since the election.

Note: I am a sex educator, not a news journalist or political academic. (If you look at the About section on this site, you’ll find my commitment to staying in my lane.) In this article, I will not be discussing politicians, legislature, or any predictions for the future of reproductive laws in the United States. While important and impactful, those topics are not in my lane.

A note on self-abandonment

In the wake of uncertainty, fear, or mistrust of others, we tend to leave ourselves. Our bodies may not feel like safe places to be, whether because we feel threatened in the present moment or because we’re reminded of times in the past when we felt unsafe. These feelings may be new or ripple back for generations. When feelings overwhelm us, when news feeds exhaust us, or when we feel burned out from anger, we tend to look for an escape.

Perhaps we find escape by burying ourselves in work, scrolling for hours on our phones, avoiding responsibilities, neglecting our bodies’ need for movement or sleep, or indulging too much in low-nutrient food, drugs, or alcohol.

But at the end of the day, you’re there for yourself in a way that nobody else can be. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have less to give others, and you can’t make another you. You’re worth being cared for by you.

Tip: Take a moment to be honest with yourself and ask what you do to escape when you’re feeling anxious or dreading the future. Give yourself some grace - we’re allowed to be imperfect or take breaks from rigidly structured habits. Ask yourself what your limit is: at what point does your inner parent need to come out and reintroduce healthy habits?

Pleasure is your birthright

Our bodies are designed to feel pleasure - we come into this world seeking it and never really stop. As infants, we experience pleasure through connection, touch, and eating. As we get older, our options for pleasure expand. Through social conditioning, we may receive messages that the things from which we derive pleasure (touching our own bodies, eating the wrong foods or too much of them, taking our time and moving slowly, having sex for the fun of it) are bad, shameful, or generally frowned upon. But humans always find ways to enjoy themselves, regardless of someone else’s rules.

Pleasure cannot be regulated by anyone’s authority. It’s your birthright, and nobody can take from you the ability to access it within your own body.

Expanding our definition of pleasure

When we think of pleasure, we often think about sex or things we deem frivolous. But we find it in so many ways:

• Eating or drinking something delicious

• Connecting with trusted humans and sharing emotional intimacy

• Fabrics and textures that feel good against your skin

• Organizing or cleaning your home just the way you like

• Enjoying nature, whether that’s on a walk with your dog or hiking up a mountain

• Sleeping in and taking your time

• Achieving a goal or finishing a project you’ve been putting off

• Playing with children or petting animals

• Trying something new and liking it

• Platonic physical touch

• Sex and orgasms

It’s important to remember that pleasure can be found nearly anywhere. You don’t need to be partnered or sexual to find moments of pleasure throughout your day.

Tip: Make a list of things you experience in your everyday life that bring you a sense of comfort and pleasure. If you feel an inner critic arise as you consider what you enjoy, ask it what it’s worried will happen if you enjoy yourself for a moment.

Getting out of your head

While we often reach for external things or experiences when we’re worried, the trick to calming yourself lives in the body. You have two types of nervous systems: the sympathetic (which handles your “fight/flight” responses and automatic body functions like breathing) and the parasympathetic (which handles your “rest/digest” responses like slowing your heart rate and digesting food). In times of stress, think about ways to activate your parasympathetic nervous system. Ideas include:

• Gentle movements like a walk, swimming, or yoga: If you don’t want to leave the house, many yoga studios offer online classes. Walking pads can be an affordable way to ensure you’re getting steps in without leaving your home if the weather’s bad or you don’t want to get dressed.

• Breathing exercises

  • Take a deep breath in, then make noise when you exhale out of your mouth. If you place your hand on your belly, you should feel it vibrate from the sound when you exhale. Repeat as necessary.

  • Box breathing: Inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. Repeat as necessary.

  • If focusing on your breathing makes you feel more anxious, try focusing on your exhales rather than your inhales.

• Meditation/guided visualization: There are apps and videos on YouTube that can give you gentle sounds or music to help clear your mind, or if you have a chatty mind, guided visualizations can help you redirect your thoughts from something stressful to something peaceful. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be sitting silently in a yoga pose to meditate - you can try these options while on a walk or washing dishes.

• Shake it out: This is less about dance technique and more about moving your body in random ways to reset your nervous system. Yes, it will look weird. Close yourself into a room, shut the blinds, and play your music loud (with headphones if you have neighbors). Jump around, wiggle, shake your hands, arms, and legs - just try to move for a whole minute or two.

• Stay present in the present: When you’re feeling overwhelmed by what might happen, use the 54321 grounding exercise to return to the current moment.

  • Name 5 things you can see

  • Name 4 things you can touch

  • Name 3 things you can hear

  • Name 2 things you can smell

  • Name 1 thing you can taste

The power of touch

As babies, we physically require human touch. As adults, we can survive without it, but we don’t thrive. The experience of sustained physical contact can slow your heart rate and trigger your brain to produce calming chemicals. If you have a partner, ask for a long hug. Ask for a 3-minute shoulder massage. Ask to cuddle while you listen to music together. (I cannot emphasize enough the importance of telling people what you need, especially now.)

If you’re not partnered or don’t have much physical contact in your relationship, you can release the same brain chemicals with self-massage - or ask a friend for hugs when you see them. Take time to enjoy your whole body when you masturbate. Book a massage. Look up Cuddle Parties near you to explore platonic touch in a workshop setting, or go to partnered dance classes in your area - both options will give you access to non-sexual human contact with boundaries. If that sounds too soft for you, try a Brazilian jiu jitsu class - it won’t feel as nice, but you’ll spend a lot of time in physical contact with others. (They don’t call jiu jitsu “struggle snuggles” for nothing.)

Tip: Make a list of types of physical touch you enjoy, then consider who you can ask for it. Can you tell your friend that you need a hug? Can you invite someone to try a dance class with you?

Owning your sexual experience

If you have a uterus, sex might be a fraught topic right now. After all, sex can lead to pregnancy, and in many parts of the US, the ability to avoid or end pregnancy is already restricted or under threat.

If you have access to partnered sexual activities, regardless of pregnancy potential, it’s worth discussing with your partner if election stress has impacted your sex drive or desires. Things I’ve heard from folks in the US:

• Reduced libido/desire for sexual contact

• Increased libido/desire for sexual contact

• Decreased ability to orgasm

• Reaching orgasm too quickly

• A desire for more connection during sex

• A desire for kinkier sex (feeling more in control or feeling like one can surrender to someone else safely)

• Increased fears about pregnancy, birth control access, or abortion access

• Fears around LGBTQ+ rights being restricted

• Fears about STI transmission

All of these concerns are normal reactions to stress in general or fears about things being discussed in political circles right now. Some women are responding to the election by deciding to not have sex with men. Folks of all genders are considering sterilization more fervently than they had before.

For additional reading that you may find helpful, I’ll humbly suggest three of my own articles:

• Speaking Up: A Guide to Communicating and Navigating Challenges with Confidence

• Know Thyself: On Solo Pleasure and Its Place in Adult Lives and Relationships

• The Gentleman’s Guide to Birth Control

Seek help before you need it

If you’ve spent the last two weeks in a state of stress and you don’t already have a therapist, now is a great time to find one. If you’re fortunate enough to have friends and partners to hear you out in moments of challenge, there are four more years of change ahead of us, and you may need ongoing support. Since it can take time to find the right provider, I recommend finding one before you’re in crisis, in the same way that it’s wise to have a good auto shop on hand for regular maintenance before your car breaks down.

Tip: I recommend the Psychology Today therapist finder if you’re trying to find a new provider. I’m not affiliated with them, but it’s a great tool that allows you to filter providers by insurance carrier, gender, specific issues, etc.

Pleasure as resistance

Taking care of your body, staying present, and nurturing yourself in every way possible are crucial parts of maintaining your own peace during times of change and uncertainty. The more you take care of yourself, the better care you can take of your loved ones who need you, and the more strongly you can advocate for the kind of change you want to see in the world.

Your body is yours, and even when others influence laws that impact your bodies or safety, nobody can take your pleasure. There may be people who benefit from folks panicking or turning on each other, but nobody can keep you from building trust and connection with your own body.

Self-care is activism. Pleasure is your right, and it cannot be taken from you.