Know Thyself
On solo pleasure and its place in adult lives and relationships.
In an Instagram poll, I asked folks to describe the messages they’d received about masturbation when they were growing up. A whopping 68% of my respondents reported masturbation was only mentioned in a negative or shameful context and 32% said it was never discussed at all (but they knew to keep it secret). Absolutely nobody claimed that it was positioned as normal or healthy.
Reactions from caretakers and influences from religious authorities are often cited as the primary deliverers of those messages, and the impact doesn’t always stop when someone leaves home. In a follow-up poll, 58% of respondents said the messages they received had impacted their attitudes toward masturbation long-term.
As adults, these messages can influence us in different ways: hiding self-pleasure from a partner for fear of judgment or repercussions, feeling shame around fantasies or viewing adult content, or avoiding masturbation altogether. However, masturbation can be a great way to explore what gives you pleasure, and the more you know about your own body and desires, the easier it is to communicate those to a partner, and the higher your chances of getting what you want in partnered sex.
In this article, we’ll journey through masturbation myths, explore the role of masturbation in sexual health and relationships, delve into the “orgasm gap” between men and women, and consider how toys can help you explore this world in completely new ways.
Note: My readers get an exclusive discount code from my favorite online adult toy store, so read on!
Who’s doing it?
When it comes to solo pleasure, nearly everyone’s done it, according to a 2016 survey by PSB Research - specifically, 95% of men and 81% of women, ranging in age from 18-74. Now that we’ve established this is quite a common experience, we can relax in knowing we’re not alone.
When masturbation feels shameful
For some people, solo pleasure can feel wrong. Some believe it to be condemned by their religion, others rely on pornography and believe that to be unethical, and some folks have an opinion that masturbation shouldn’t happen in the context of a relationship.
I interviewed Dr. Eric Sprankle, a clinical psychology professor at Minnesota State University and author of DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation. He talked to me about a concept called moral incongruence. “It’s essentially saying that if you hold certain values about porn and masturbating and you think it's unhealthy, that it's bad, it's immoral, it's a sin, it has no place in a relationship, it's cheating, but you do it anyway - or at least once in a while - that's an incongruence.” He explained that when you’re doing something you think is immoral, it’s natural to have negative feelings about it.
Some people identify as porn, sex, or masturbation addicts because their behavior has caused problems for them or their relationships. While these experiences are valid, moral incongruence is often a factor. Dr. Sprankle said, “If somebody doesn't have those [negative] attitudes toward masturbation or porn, more than likely it's not going to be a problem in their life. And that's why it has very little to do with how often they're masturbating and more about how big of the discrepancy between their values and their behavior actually is.”
Tip: If you struggle with negative feelings around masturbation or pornography consumption, I must emphasize the importance of seeking the support of a licensed sex therapist. These professionals are trained to help you examine your behaviors and attitudes around them to help you move toward a place of acceptance. You can easily find a practitioner through the AASECT website.
But what about couples?
A commonly held belief is that once someone is in a relationship, they should have all their sexual needs met through their partner and never have a “need” to masturbate. Some may consider masturbation a form of cheating. As I quoted in my article about sexual communication, your sexuality belongs to you, not your relationship. Dr. Sprankle agreed. “I think it's important for couples to realize that just because you’re in a relationship, you don't lose your solo sexuality. We are sexual beings regardless of our relationship status. Oftentimes, there's an expectation that [your] partner's never going to masturbate again or look at porn or use vibrators by themselves because all of their sexual desire and energy should be directed toward [you].”
But feelings can still be hurt. Dr. Sprankle said, “I think a problem can come into play if we think that because my partner masturbated today, that means they're not attracted to me. ‘Why didn't they initiate sex? If they were horny enough to masturbate, I was here.’”
Dr. Sprankle clarified, “I think it's important not to place partnered sex above masturbation. They're different and they serve different functions and meet different needs. It could be a problem in a relationship if you're only masturbating and not talking about other relational sexual needs that aren't being met and what's going on there. [Consider] if there's a discrepancy between the frequency of sexual behavior for the partnership versus the solo sexual frequency.”
Ultimately, it comes down to communication between partners and a sharing of values around masturbation, the responsibilities we believe we have for our partner’s pleasure, and personal autonomy.
Tip: When was the last time you asked your partner what their feelings and thoughts are about masturbation? If they have a solo pleasure practice, what need does it fulfill for them? How do they feel about you masturbating? What about erotica, toys, or pornography? Are you both aligned in your expectations around the frequency of partnered sex?
The orgasm gap
If you’re a man who has sex with women, how often do you think your female partners have an orgasm during sex with you? Do you think you could tell if a partner has had an orgasm? Do you think you’d know if she were “faking it?” Among a nationally representative US sample, 91% of men said they’d experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter. And the women…a harrowing 64%. This is known as the orgasm gap.
It’s worth noting this gap only exists when women have sex with men. Another study found that “when masturbating, 95% of women reach orgasm easily and within minutes.” Additional research shows that women have orgasms far more frequently during sex with other women.
The biggest factor? Clitoral stimulation. When people with vulvas masturbate, they typically focus on the clitoris to reach orgasm. Sex between vulva owners also tends to focus on clitoral stimulation. However, during different-sex encounters, the focus tends to be more on penetration than clitoral stimulation. This is a problem, considering between 70-90% of women are unable to reach orgasm from penetration alone.
To what do we attribute the perpetuation of this gap? Is it as simple as male partners being incompetent or careless? We have to reckon with the draught of comprehensive sexuality education in the US, which results in people who don’t know much about their own pleasure or how other genitals work when they begin having sex. Different cultures or families can perpetuate the idea that female pleasure is unimportant, elusive, or downright mythological. On top of that, most people do not get any education on how to ask for what they want in bed.
Data varies, but research reflects that anywhere from 60-80% of women have faked an orgasm with a partner. People fake orgasms for many reasons:
not being able to get into the right headspace for an orgasm
not enjoying the sex they’re having and wanting to “get it over with”
wanting their partner to feel they were performing well
feeling pressure to have an orgasm
not knowing what their partner could do to get them there
not feeling comfortable asking for what they need
But this only perpetuates the orgasm gap, because a partner who’s unaware you’re faking can’t improve their technique - and hopefully, the person you’re having sex with cares about making sure you get the orgasm(s) you want.
Tip: Regardless of your gender or genitals, try asking your partner how they like to reach orgasm when they’re alone. Ask if they’d be willing to let you watch and learn sometime, whether in person or through video. Is masturbation something you can do together? Ask how important orgasm is to them during sex and how you’ll know if you’re on the right track. Remain teachable, no matter how long you’ve been partnered.
How toys can help
Whether you’re playing solo or with a partner, toys can add to the experience. Toys can enhance the pleasure you’re already used to having, add new sensations, fulfill unexplored fantasies, and help close that orgasm gap. There is truly a toy for every body, and all toys can be used solo or with a partner.
Some folks have concerns about incorporating toys. One commonly circulated myth is that a toy (particularly vibrators) can become “addictive” and “ruin” someone by making it harder for them to have an orgasm with a partner. But Dr. Sprankle said, “A vibrator may simply provide a more efficient route to orgasm,” teaching you “how easy it could be to reach orgasm if you have the right type of stimulation.” If anything, he continued, “it's improving your awareness of how your body can respond to certain types of stimulation. You figured out a great way to pleasure yourself when you're alone. How can that be replicated when you're with a partner? It's about increasing the pleasure with a partner and maintaining what you're doing when you're alone.”
Additionally, some folks worry that a toy will replace them in bed. But just as masturbation doesn’t replace partnered sex, toys don’t replace human bodies and relationships. Toys can increase the pleasure you can provide your partner and take pressure off your physical performance. Try to imagine toys as tools in your toolbox that can be incorporated at any given time, similar to how a baker may use a Kitchen-Aid mixer to make their efforts more efficient and their results more consistent.
I interviewed Carly S. from Spectrum Boutique, an online-only adult retail shop founded by sex educator and journalist Zoë Ligon. Carly (who uses she/they pronouns) is a product manager with over 15 years of experience working with adult toys in a retail environment. She goes to trade shows, learns about toys before they’re sold by Spectrum, and writes all the product descriptions you see on the site.
Disclosure: The content below contains affiliate links. If you purchase through these links, I may earn a commission at no additional cost to you.
The classics
I asked Carly what the top sellers are for Spectrum right now. They said, “The Magic Wand and wands in general are always going to be number one. They sell themselves. They have a cult following.” Wands are vibrating tools that can be rechargeable or corded, and they’re known for providing a range of vibrations to any body part - and like most toys, are not just for vulvas. Anyone can enjoy vibration! Some wands also come with head attachments to provide different sensations.
Note: There’s been a story circulating for quite some time that the vibrator was originally developed by a gynecologist to treat “hysterical” women by providing orgasms in a clinical setting. However, Dr. Sprankle told me this is yet another myth. “The vibrator was not invented to cure hysteria and wasn't used on the genitals,” he said. “In fact, it was explicitly created not to be used on women. The inventor of it did not want anything to do with women's health. It was invented for men's health, primarily muscle aches, but it didn't take long for a vibrator to start being used sexually.”
It’s also worth noting that vibrators don’t cause nerve damage or do any harm to the body - another common myth. Dr. Sprankle said, “[They] won’t cause nerve damage. Anything can cause temporary numbing, just like when you go on the Peloton and your genitals get numb from the seat. But no, nothing permanent.”
Vibrators can come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and frequencies. If you’ve never explored one, it can be helpful to learn whether you like a heavier, more rumbly vibration or perhaps something lighter and buzzier. Some vibrators provide a broader surface area while some end with a tip to provide targeted sensation. While some new explorers may first try a bullet-type vibrator, Carly recommended starting with something like the Je Joue Mimi or the Spectrum Compact.
Because accessibility is important, Spectrum offers a range of prices for their products. If you’re new to the world of toys, Carly advised, “Experiment [with something a little simpler] and maybe then invest in something that has more bells and whistles on it.” Higher priced items may use a wall charger instead of batteries, be safe to use in water, have more vibrating patterns, or even have Bluetooth functions.
Grinding toys
Carly told me grinding toys have been popular lately. “Grinding toys are a pretty new category - a lot of folks start their sexual exploration by humping things.” Grinding toys can have different textures and can be placed anywhere you’d like to grind against it. They suggested looking into the line from Pelle.
Oral sex simulators
Among some of the newer technologies are toys that mimic a flickering tongue or use air pulsation to simulate the sensation of a tongue. “If you like that kind of stimulation, they're amazing toys,” Carly said. “If you know you like the sensation of someone's mouth sucking on your clit or someone flicking with their fingers or tongue, I would say those toys are a great option. I think they're worth the hype, especially if folks have tried vibration and didn't love it.”
Penetrative toys
When it comes to penetrative toys, Carly said, “The sky's the limit. There are as many options as you can imagine. If you want to use a body-safe ear of corn, it exists. You can experiment with texture, firmness, and different functions like motors, rotation, and wave motion.” She added, “The one advice I tend to give people is: don't let your eyes be bigger than your hole.” Consider how many fingers you enjoy inserting and choose a toy of similar circumference.
If you’d like to go hands-free with your insertables, Shots recently released a new harness style. “It’s an underwear harness with a drawstring-style O-ring, so you don't have to switch any O-rings out,” they said. “You can just adjust the ring to the tightness that you need, so you can harness something very narrow or something wide without having to switch any rings out, and because it's underwear style, you don't have to mess with any buckles.” One note: if you want a harness you and your partner can both wear, you’ll want to aim for something with adjustable straps.
The wide world of stroker tech
For people with penises, the world of toys has evolved tremendously over the years. Carly told me, “There are disposable strokers that you'll get up to five uses out of or ones that will be a little thicker and are intended to last longer. They'll look like anything from eggs to flowers, to fantasy animals - pretty much anything someone can imagine.” And technology is catching up here, too. “Now there are vibrating strokers, thrusting ones, ones with suction, even ones with air pulse technology.”
Most stroker toys require an erect penis for penetration, but not all do. Carly told me, “They make quite a few toys that are made specifically with flaccid penises in mind. Hot Octopuss, I would say, is the most popular and well-known brand that has a pulse plate underneath the head and you don't need an erection to use it.” She added, “Erections aren't necessary for pleasure, they're really only necessary for penetration.”
Rings
Another popular accessory is a cock ring, which sits at the base of the penis, behind the scrotum. It’s designed to trap blood inside an erect penis, making it more sensitive and helping delay ejaculation. These can be made of different materials and sizes - they range from a simple silicone ring to a vibrating ring that adds sensation to the wearer and their partner. With a vibrating ring, Carly suggested, “You can have the vibrator on top if you want to use it while you're penetrating your partner. You can have the vibrator on the bottom if you want taint or external prostate stimulation.” For new users, they added, “My recommendation is: start with a looser one, put lube on the inside so it doesn't catch on skin or body hair, and progressively get tighter as you get more comfortable using them.”
Couple’s toys
Of course, any toy can be a couple’s toy if you use it with a partner. But when people think of couple’s toys, Carly said they typically think of hands-free toys like vibrating panties. Carly’s top suggestion for couples is the We-Vibe. “It’s great for couples of all configurations. It can be worn vaginally, so it'll slide into the vagina and sit on the G-spot and the clit. It could be worn during penetration, but because of this shape, it can also be worn in a strap-on harness and now the wearer will have vibration. You can use it to stroke a penis. Because it has a U-shape, you can use it as an external vibrator.”
Anal exploration
When it comes to anal play, the range of toys and experiences to be had are endless. All bodies can experience anal pleasure. But the most important foundational rule about butts? Do not use any toys around or inside the anus that are not meant for anal play. Anal toys should have flared bases to prevent them from being pulled into the rectum. Carly’s mantra: “Without a base, without a trace.” Toys that aren’t made for anal insertion can be pulled up into the body, usually resulting in a trip to the hospital. Don’t risk it!
The anus has many nerve endings that can make anal stimulation pleasurable. While people often have a goal of penetration, providing pleasure externally is a great place to begin.
Tip: If you’re new to anal play, try starting with external stimulation and, if it sounds good, see how your body feels about penetration with a finger or a small toy.
Lube for all
But no anal explorations should happen without plenty of lube. A good mantra is “Too much lube is almost enough.” Lubrication makes all kinds of sexual stimulation more pleasurable, even without penetration.
The most common lubricants are water-based, Carly said. “It’s compatible with everything: toys, condoms, and bodies. But the one con to water-based lube is that it tends to get absorbed into the body quicker, so you'll need to reapply it more often. Formulas with aloe and hyaluronic acid tend to last longer if you find it’s drying up too quickly.”
Silicone lube is fantastic for sex that happens in the water, anal penetration, or hand sex. It doesn’t absorb into the body and it doesn’t dry out. However, it’s incompatible with toys. Silicone toys can get broken down over time when used with silicone lube. Because it doesn’t dissolve in water, if you use silicone lube in your shower or bathtub, thoroughly clean up afterward to avoid a future slip and fall.
Oil is another base for certain lubricants. Some people like it because it seems more “natural.” According to Carly, “These lubricants are coconut oil-based because that's the oil that's most safe in a body. Most oils trap bacteria in the body, so you have to be mindful about what oils you're using.” Oil-based lubes are safe to use with silicone toys, but not compatible with latex condoms. They also may stain fabrics.
Hybrid lubricants contain a base of silicone and water, so they stay slippery for longer than water-based lube and are safe for use with toys. Carly added, “Those also tend to have more of a white, creamy texture. People can use them in the ejaculating dildos, or if they want to use it in a scene that calls for something that looks like cum.”
Other bedroom accessories
Liberator is a wonderful brand to explore in the bedroom. One of their best-selling items is their throw blanket, designed to keep bedding and surfaces dry by absorbing bodily fluids or lubricant. When you’re done, you can toss it in the washer. Liberator also makes pillows to aid various positions and alleviate strain on the body (which can be helpful for both couples and solo players). Carly said, “I think the wedges and the pillows are such a game changer because not only does it put you in better positions, it makes everything more comfortable for everybody.”
Shopping safely online
When assessing an online shop, you’ll want to look for signs of humanity. Spectrum’s product descriptions are written by a real person who understands each item. You can always email their customer service to ask questions - an important factor when you’re investing in something without getting to see it or touch it. The Spectrum team will reply to your questions or even help you choose a product based on your needs.
As a stark contrast, Carly advised that no matter where you shop, “Avoid Amazon in general, because you don't know where things are coming from or what you're getting. Anywhere else is going to be better. Lots of people [have said they] bought something on Amazon and it smelled funny or broke immediately and they couldn't get a refund or a [replacement].”
Spending time with your body and exploring your desires can benefit you and your relationships. As I discussed in my last article, you are responsible for your own orgasm. The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to communicate your needs to a partner, and the more pleasure you welcome into your life.
You can and should shop where your needs are best met, but should you choose to shop at Spectrum Boutique, my readers can use the promo code “shameless” to get 15% off their order. (Spectrum also has a loyalty program, so your purchases can earn you points to use in the future.)
Special thanks to Dr. Eric Sprankle, Carly S., and Spectrum Boutique for their contributions to this article! Keep an eye out for our interviews in the weeks to come, available to paid subscribers.
Note: I offer free paid subscriptions to anyone who identifies as BIPOC or part of the LGBTQ+ community. If that’s you, let me know so I can gift you a paid subscription.