The Birds and The Bees
The Birds and The Bees
A guide to sex-positive parenting and tackling tough questions with your kids
How did you learn where babies come from? Very few among us can say they had a sex-positive upbringing with parents who ensured they had access to comprehensive sex ed. Many will say their parents never had “the talk” with them, so they were left to learn the basics of sex and reproduction from conversations with older siblings or peers, stumbling upon a relative’s pornography stash, sneaking a peek at a late-night HBO program, or flipping through Mom’s Cosmopolitan magazine.
At the time of writing, only three states in the US (California, Washington, and Oregon) mandate comprehensive sex ed to be taught in all schools. States are significantly varied across the rest of the country, from requiring that sex ed only share the basics of reproduction and STIs, while others only allow abstinence-only education. Notably, these options tend to only focus on hetero sex, leaving LGBTQ+ youth even less informed. (Comprehensive sex ed, on the other hand, includes a breadth of information about diverse family structures, gender, sexual orientation, sexual pleasure, pregnancy prevention, STI risk reduction, consent, porn literacy, and far more.)
Parents who lacked access to comprehensive sex ed as youth may find themselves abruptly confronted by their own challenging feelings around sex, pleasure, and intimacy when their children start asking them questions or accessing porn on the family computer. Those who aren’t parents themselves may be an aunt, uncle, or other trusted adult for a young person with questions about sexuality. The ability to navigate these teachable moments with ease is a skill that each of us can build, and we owe it to the youth in our lives to learn.
I’m certified to teach the Our Whole Lives sex education curriculum for grades K-12 and have been teaching kids for nearly a decade, and along with that, guiding their parents in creating a safe, supportive environment. I was also a sex-positive stepparent to two young children for nearly six years. For additional expert insight, I interviewed Dorian Solot (she/her), sexuality educator and co-author of children’s books All About Penises and All About Vulvas and Vaginas, and Heather Corinna (they/them), author and founder of Scarleteen, an online sex ed resource for youth.
In this article, you’ll learn how to address your own hangups around sex, become a sex-positive parent and askable adult, answer questions comfortably, and learn what topics are appropriate for each age group.
Remembering your sexuality education
As a facilitator for the Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education program, I am often a part of parent orientations. At a particular part of the orientation, we guide parents and caretakers of prospective students through a thought exercise designed to help them get more acquainted with what formed their own sexuality. It goes something like this:
Close your eyes and take a deep breath. What messages did you get from your caretakers, extended family, church, media, and society at large about:
your own body, including the sexual parts?
touch and the need for human affection?
your assigned gender or internal gender identity?
gender roles or how folks of certain genders should behave?
loving and intimate relationships?
dating and sexual attraction?
when it was ok to engage in sexual behavior?
sexual pleasure?
sexual responsibility (preventing unplanned pregnancy and avoiding sexually transmitted infections)?
Tip: Take a moment to think through these questions and note your answers, whether you write them down or not. What stands out to you? What surprised you? What feelings come up when you reflect on these messages? What would you like to be different for the young people in your life?
We remind parents in an OWL program of any grade that caretakers are the primary sex educators in their children’s lives, whether or not they ever have a straightforward conversation with their children about sex. As children, we internalize many messages about sex, pleasure, consent, and relationship dynamics based on how the people around us behave or react. And we learn as much from what’s directly said as we do from what’s never discussed.
When we confront the gaps or even trauma in our sexuality education, we can more easily understand what we need to learn or heal. Owning this can help us become better sexual communicators in our own adult relationships and make us less reactive when a youth comes to us with questions or presents a scenario we didn’t expect.
When should sex ed begin?
When I polled my Instagram followers on when sex ed should begin, 48% of respondents said 0-5 years old, 43% said 10-12 years old, and 9% said 16-18 years old. I asked Dorian Solot at what age she felt it was appropriate. “When adults hear the phrase ‘sex ed,’ it often conjures up topics like puberty or STIs that obviously aren’t developmentally appropriate for young children,” she said. “But sex ed is absolutely relevant for little kids, teaching them about private parts, consent, bodily autonomy, family diversity, sexual abuse prevention, as well as basic concepts about where babies come from.”
We begin observing and internalizing messages that will inform our sexuality from the very beginning. We observe how our bodies are touched and cared for, how the people around us treat each other, and how our caretakers respond when we cry for help. As we get older, we experience power dynamics, what happens when we express desires, preferences, or boundaries, and we may learn about babies when a younger family member comes along. While none of those experiences are inherently sexual, they teach us lessons that can impact how we approach dating, relationships, and sex in the future.
Setting the stage for sex positivity
Becoming a sex-positive adult is a journey. Once you’ve realized some of the gaps in your own education, take a moment to think about how that shows up in your life today. Perhaps masturbation was a shameful topic in your younger years, so now you refuse to discuss it with your spouse or admit to ever doing it. There’s a world of books out there to help you confront what you don’t know, and if it’s embarrassing to consider you don’t know something you think you ought to, remember that sexual education is a lifelong journey!
Some parents worry that without condemning sexual expression, they’re unable to protect their kid, whether from a moral failing or the real physical consequences of sex. But your child will almost certainly have sex eventually, whether at age 16, 24, or 35. Realizing that they cannot prevent their kid from getting older and having sex can be a challenge for some parents. But let me encourage you that, while you can’t prevent your kid from sexual expression, you can educate and empower them to make wiser choices for themselves when they do. After all, research has proved time and again that children who experience comprehensive sex education are more likely to wait longer to have sex and are less likely to contract STIs or become pregnant when they do.
Tip: Take a moment to consider how you might react to common scenarios, like your young child touching themselves at the dinner table or coming home from school and asking the definition of sexual slang they’d overheard, a teenager leaving a browsing history of adult content on the computer or buying condoms. What feelings do these scenarios bring up for you? What messaging have you internalized that’s promoting those feelings?
Let go of perfection
Often, parents feel pressure to present the perfect sex talk at the perfect time. Understandably, that puts quite a bit of pressure on parents. Even those of us who are trained sex educators have many classes for our topics - if we’re not expected to share all the information at once, you certainly aren’t either.
Heather Corinna told me, “There’s a not-insubstantial number of parents and families that have the idea that there will come a day - a magical day in a child's life - when you will have ‘the talk,’ and this is the talk in which you will be able to imbue all of the knowledge that you could ever want to impart to your child in this one magical conversation - which, of course, is too much to ask of any conversation about anything at all, let alone sexuality, which is lifelong and very complicated.” They added, “A lot of parents keep waiting and putting off that conversation.”
But when we put off answering tricky questions or brush off teachable moments, youth are forced to gain their education elsewhere. Children will talk to each other about things they’ve heard or seen. Young people will be influenced by the world around them. The average age for a child in the US to see pornography for the first time is nine years old. No matter how many apps you restrict, as kids get older, they’ll become curious - let’s not forget that just because the internet is relatively new to humans, sexual curiosity for young people is not.
Your parents certainly had conversations with you throughout the course of your upbringing that they felt were “important talks.” Do you remember them all? Probably not. Let’s keep in mind that, while we put pressure on ourselves to give the “right” answer and have the “right” responses, kids will not remember your every fumble or win. Like with all other types of learning, consistency is key, and creating a loving, open-minded environment that empowers your children to ask questions is far more important than whether or not you used the exact right language during that one moment.
Heather suggested we look at the big picture to take some pressure off. They said, “As a parent, if you are earnestly trying, if it is your intention to do well, and you're educating yourself,” you’re doing just fine. They added, “The parents who are actually doing a good job are usually much harder on themselves than the parents who are not trying at all…Kids are so smart when it comes to emotional honesty. So even if shit's weird, they'll know if it's weird because you're trying to do right by them.”
Tip: Take a moment to consider the values you want to instill in your kids when it comes to dating and sex. Rather than focusing on how to prevent them from doing the “bad things,” think about what you can role model to help build those values. Do you want them to eventually be kind, caring partners who listen, communicate well, stand up for themselves, and respect boundaries? How can you role model those things for them now?
Let them lead
A dynamic that can help set the stage for sex positivity early on is to be an askable adult. Whether you have children of your own or not, being an askable adult means encouraging questions, responding thoughtfully, and minimizing reactive responses that can shut the child down or make them feel ashamed for asking.
Heather, who was a Montessori educator before they were a sex educator, emphasized the importance of youth-led questions about sex. They said, “In Montessori, we talk about absorbency: to learn things and retain information, our minds have to be absorbent to [the content], and in this case, that usually means it has to be relevant to our lives.” They suggested that, rather than having a sermon on the mount that you’ve decided needs to be shared with your child, look for openings in conversation. Listen to what they say is relevant to them right now. This could come in the form of direct questions but could be more subtle. If they make comments about their bodies, someone being harassed or bullied at school, or something that comes up in a movie you’re watching together, you’ve now got a teachable moment to discuss.
Clarify the question
When kids ask a question or comment on something they’ve seen, context can be key to answering the specific question they’re asking. We often feel the need to explain more than youth are really asking for. Dorian told me, “Keep in mind that although these topics might be uncomfortable for you as a parent, they can be very simple and matter-of-fact for kids. If you’re answering your child’s question, stay focused on the question they actually asked, answer simply and truthfully, and then ask, ‘Did that answer your question?’”
Put a pin in it
Even as a sex educator, kids and teens in my classes will sometimes ask questions that stump me. If you aren’t sure how to answer a question or legitimately don’t know how to address it, it’s ok to circle back later with more information. Some parents might want to sync up with their co-parent to decide how to tackle a topic for answering. Role modeling that adults don’t have all the answers is a great way to teach young people that we never stop learning and that even grown-ups need help sometimes.
Response ideas:
“That’s a really good question. I don’t have the answer to that right now, but I’m going to do some reading, and when I have an answer, I’ll be sure to tell you!”
“I’m not sure how to answer that question in a way that will make sense to you. Let me think about it a little bit, and we’ll talk about it another time.”
Time and place
While some parents may begin teaching their children about human reproduction at a younger age, some do not, and we should encourage younger kids to respect that. When I was a stepparent and we started teaching my partner’s kids about sex and babies, we made it clear that parents should get to decide when to teach their children these things and parents should be the ones to share that information. We emphasized that, while they were welcome to talk about penises and vaginas as much as they wanted with us at home, this was not an appropriate topic for playgrounds, church, dinner with Grandma, etc.
Take some responsibility
Perhaps you realize you could’ve done more to educate or prepare your youth. Maybe you realize your teen is already having sex before you’ve gotten around to talking about readiness, sexual safety, and pregnancy prevention. Maybe your kid is LGBTQ+ and you have no idea how to talk to them about dating or sex.
Heather said, “I think the older someone's child gets, you'll come to a point in their development where, in order to start [those talks], you’re gonna have to start by copping to a little responsibility for not having done it before, to be like, ‘I wanna talk to you about stuff. It's gonna feel really weird because we haven't talked about it before and that's on me - I'm sorry, but let's fix it starting today.’ And then you're just gonna move forward from there.”
Admittedly, it might be uncomfortable to start that process when open discussions about sex haven’t been a long-held family value. But just remember, you’re role modeling that adults, too, can be uncomfortable in the name of growth. “Awkwardness doesn't hurt anyone,” Heather laughed.
Consent and abuse
Compared to previous generations, today’s parents have learned a lot about how to teach children about consent. Most of us are now familiar with the concept that, if a child doesn’t want to hug a relative or sit on a lap, they shouldn’t be forced to. We’ve seen enormous amounts of research that confirms physical punishment is detrimental to a child’s development. Many modern parenting styles can effectively teach children respect for others, boundaries, and natural consequences without the use of physical force.
But research also tells us that comprehensive sex ed keeps our kids safe in myriad other ways. Young children are less likely to become victims of sexual abuse, and if they do encounter it, are more likely to disclose it when they know:
anatomically correct names for body parts, including genitals
body boundaries and how to assert when they don’t want or like something
appropriate/safe vs. inappropriate/harmful touch
safe adults they can talk to if they encounter something confusing or scary
Those of us who grew up in the US in the 80s or 90s were taught to avoid “stranger danger.” And while strangers can certainly have harmful intent, the vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by someone the child already knows. Because children who are targeted are taught to keep the secrets of their abusers, they often have a difficult time speaking up when abuse happens.
Note: I am not a therapist, nor am I a specialist in childhood sexual abuse prevention and treatment. I’ve linked two resources from RAINN.org below. RAINN is a well-established organization and resource for survivors of sexual abuse.
Let’s take a look at other less-considered areas where we can teach consent and age-appropriate body autonomy.
Play dynamics
Observe how your children play with other young relatives, students, or friends. If you hear signs that one child is having less fun than the other, take a moment to check in.
Response ideas:
“I heard her say ‘stop’ - did you hear her say that? When someone says they don’t want to play anymore, stop and ask if they want to play a different way.”
[When kids are wrestling with each other and it’s getting too rough] “Hey, stop for a second. Look at his face. Does it look like he’s having fun?” [Let the child assess the other’s facial expressions.] “Ask him if he’s having fun or if he wants to do something else.”
In both of the above scenarios, you can coach the other child to speak up for themselves, too. Everyone, regardless of age, benefits from practicing respecting boundaries, reading non-verbal cues, and advocating for their needs.
Dinner table dynamics
As loaded and nuanced as our relationship with sexuality can be, our relationship with food can be even more tense. If you had the privilege of regular meals or family dinners, think back to how meals happened when you were a child. Were you forced to eat something you didn’t want, or ordered to eat when you weren’t hungry? Were certain types of food considered “good” and others “bad?” Were you cajoled, mocked, or bribed if you rejected a certain food? Did asserting you didn’t want something cause a negative shift in mood or behavior from the adults at the table? Were you not allowed to have certain foods or eat the same portions as others, lest you gain too much weight? Was dessert a bargaining chip used to reward certain behaviors or withheld to punish?
Tip: Take a moment to reflect on these questions and the kinds of messages that influenced your relationship with food.
While it may seem like a big jump to assert that food and consent have anything to do with each other, consider the underlying messages the above scenarios can pose:
adults are infallible, all-powerful authority figures
“do what I say or else”
what you feel in your body (taste, texture, hunger, satiety) is wrong/what your body is telling you cannot be trusted
you do not get to choose what goes into your body
When I was a stepparent to a picky eater, I became fascinated by the intersections of food, power, control, and consent. I found the work of Ellyn Satter and her Division of Responsibility model to be revolutionary in supporting both consent and positive food dynamics. If you’d like suggestions for a drama-free dinner table and supporting positive relationships between children and food (or assessing your own relationship and values around food), I can’t recommend her institute enough.
Being an ally
Whether you suspect your child is LGBTQ+ or has actually come out to you, you may worry about your reaction. Some may assume only conservative or straight/cisgender parents struggle with their kid’s orientation or identity, but that’s not true. Plenty of parents who are queer or gender fluid may struggle. Heather commented, “Especially when parents are themselves queer and trans, [there can be] a fear piece in that. It pokes at all of your own trauma that's there; it makes you worry, of course, that that's trauma your child is gonna have to endure.”
If your child comes out to you, the most crucial part is to remind them that they are still loved and safe in your home. Next, Heather said, ask them, “‘What do you need to be supported? What can I do to help you feel better with this right now?’ And then listen and respond to what that is.”
They emphasized the importance of believing your kid and who they are. Yes, it’s possible your kid’s identity fluctuates, like everything else about them when they’re young people. That doesn’t mean their preferences or identity aren’t worth supporting. At the end of the day, affirming your kid’s queerness or their gender identity isn’t about politics or personal beliefs - it’s about showing your kid that you’re on their side, no matter what. Heather added, “If you weren't already in therapy, this would be a really good time to do it. Manage it yourself so the way you're reacting to them isn't [from] a place of fear, it's [from] a place of affirmation and acceptance and joy.”
Tip: If you’re struggling with your kid’s identity, I highly recommend finding a PFLAG chapter. They have in-person and online support groups for folks who need support in becoming a better ally to LGBTQ+ loved ones.
Pornography and other adult content
I don’t think I’ve ever talked to a parent who felt completely neutral about their child accessing porn online. They want to protect their children from seeing sexual violence, for them to have realistic expectations of bodies and sexual performance, or they want them to see sex as something sacred. Some parents have moral concerns about porn and masturbation in general, are uncomfortable acknowledging their children as sexual beings, or think that restricting access to any of those things will preserve their children’s innocence for longer.
I’m going to give you some hard truths:
Your child, like all humans, has been a sexual being from the day they were born and will be until the day they die.
Your child will see porn online, no matter what you do.
Your child will masturbate, with or without porn.
And Heather added, “[Porn and masturbation] is a privacy space to figure out, because probably if there's porn, there's masturbation. So then that's somebody's masturbation and the material involved in somebody's masturbation. You being directly involved in your kid's masturbation? Nope, not a good boundary.”
While we can’t prevent kids from seeing porn, even accidentally in a Google search, we can teach our youth values around porn and literacy to help them navigate it with a healthy mindset. Heather pointed out that, even if you take internet porn out of the equation, your children can see sexual images, even images that depict sexual violence, all around them. They said, “Look at the ads on the side of the bus next time it goes by.”
And these moments are great teachable moments. Heather said, “[Imagine] you're having ice cream outside the ice cream place with your kid and the bus goes by and there's a perfume ad where somebody's choking somebody. There it is right there. You don't have to wait for pornography. You can say something right then, [like] ‘Why is that person choking somebody? We don't choke people, do we? No.’”
Even movies, TV shows, or magazines at the grocery store are great opportunities to point out what’s realistic or healthy and what’s not. How many times have we watched The Sandlot where we see a boy pretend to drown so he can trick the lifeguard into getting close enough for him to kiss her? These types of scenes show up in all kinds of media, especially in older “classics,” and present teachable moments about pleasure, consent, and bodily autonomy.
Tip: Remember to ask questions instead of immediately lecturing. You can ask what they think about what you just watched, whether that’s something they could imagine doing, what they would do if they saw someone do that, or what they would do if someone did that to them.
Our Whole Lives
I teach a lifespan sexuality education program called Our Whole Lives. I’m certified to teach grades K-12, but other curricula within OWL cover programs for young adults, adults, and older adults. Dorian is the co-author of the second edition of the K-1 curriculum, and she defines OWL as “a curriculum that’s taught nationwide in Unitarian Universalist and United Church of Christ churches, as well as in secular settings.” It’s currently the most comprehensive, inclusive, and affirming sex education program in the US. It’s been taught since 1999 and it’s frequently reviewed and updated to ensure relevance and inclusivity.
According to the OWL website:
“While Our Whole Lives is secular, it is not value-free. The program gives clear messages about the following key sexuality issues:
self-worth
sexual health
responsibility
justice and inclusivity
Our Whole Lives recognizes and respects the diversity of participants with respect to biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, and disability status in addition to cultural and racial background. The activities and language used throughout the program have been carefully chosen to be as inclusive as possible of this human diversity.”
Age-appropriate topics
When I lead a parent orientation, regardless of age group, I often find there’s at least one parent who’s worried about whether or not the content is appropriate for their kid’s age group.
I trust OWL to create developmentally appropriate content, so below, you’ll find a breakdown of topics that we teach for each age group. Whether or not you ever enroll your kid in an OWL program, this can be a helpful reference to navigate topics on your own.
Ages 0-5
In this age group, it’s all about the basics of body parts and body safety. Dorian said, “It’s easiest to start talking about bodies when your child is still an infant, at the same time they’re learning the words for eyes, ears, elbows, toes. Including penis or vulva right alongside the other words, while you change diapers or give a bath, is easy – it gives the parent practice saying those words, and it includes those body parts in a matter-of-fact way, just another part of the body!”
Past infancy, she said, “Often by the time a child is two or three, they start asking questions about bodies, and it makes sense to answer their questions and to start teaching the basics of consent and bodily autonomy. Kids need to learn that they can hold their friend’s hand only if their friend wants to hold hands. And respecting kids’ preferences about giving Uncle Harry a hug, fist bump, or high five lays the groundwork for a lifetime of expecting their boundaries about their own body to be respected.”
Grades K-1
The OWL curriculum begins with this age group. Topics we discuss here include:
correct names for body parts
bodies and gender
masturbation (affirming that it’s normal and something that should only happen in private and behind closed doors)
body boundaries
family configurations
how babies begin (We teach that every baby needs sperm, egg, and a uterus to come into the world, and parents decide if we stick to those basic elements or also talk about the myriad ways those elements come together, which can include penis-in-vagina sex, sperm/egg donation, and IVF.)
pregnancy and birth
babies
Grades 4-6
Topics we discuss in this age group include:
sexuality and values
images in popular culture
body image
puberty
gender
feelings and attractions
reproduction and health
decisions and actions
consent and peer pressure
Grades 7-9
Topics we discuss in this age group include:
defining sexuality
examining values
the language of sexuality
you, as a sexual being
relationships
contemporary issues (including social media, the internet, and bullying)
responsible sexual behavior
STIs, pregnancy, and parenting
sexual communication
Grades 10-12
Topics we discuss in this age group include:
learning about our bodies
taking care of our sexual selves
making safer choices
exploring our sexual development
becoming a parent
expressions of sexuality
communication
intimacy, masturbation, and lovemaking
recognizing unhealthy relationships
reproductive rights
power and control
sexuality and social issues/equality
Tip: Think about what would be different for you if you’d had this wealth of information by the time you graduated high school.
Finding education
If you’d like to find an OWL program for yourself or your family members, try Googling “Our Whole Lives [your closest city or your state].” While a class may be taught in any environment, you’ll find that most OWL classes are taught within a Unitarian Universalist or United Church of Christ church, though the curriculum will still be secular. OWL is not currently taught online.
You can also buy the OWL facilitator guides and parent workbooks online. While your youth won’t get the same peer support and engagement through games and shared experiences as they would in an OWL class, you’ll still get clear information and advice on how to share it.
Scarleteen, founded by Heather over 20 years ago, is a wonderful resource for teens and beyond, giving community support and inclusive sex education. (I highly recommend donating to keep them doing the amazing work they do for young people!)
You can find support for yourself, as well. Dorian suggested, “Children’s books are a parent’s best friend! There are so many great ones now, and they literally give you the words to say, which can make it SO much easier. Parents can also follow sex-positive parenting social media accounts, [which] can answer questions and provide support, giving parents a community of like-minded parents to help them navigate as their kids grow.”
Note: Later this month, I’ll be sharing a post for paid subscribers that is entirely dedicated to book recommendations for each age group!
I hope this article helped you consider some feelings and beliefs you have about sexuality, inspired some new ideas, or gave you some talking points. We all deserved a sex-positive upbringing, the safety of adults we could trust when we were struggling, and the knowledge to engage in healthy, responsible sexual relationships when we were ready. Now you have an opportunity to empower the young people in your care and give them what you didn’t have.
If you enjoyed this article, please share and subscribe for more! Paid subscribers will get my reading list for each age group and access to the full interviews I had with both of my experts.
Note: I offer free paid subscriptions to anyone who identifies as a person of color or part of the LGBTQ+ community. If that’s you, let me know!
Special thanks to Heather Corinna, Scarleteen, and Dorian Solot for allowing me to interview them, and for all the work they do for our community. Follow them for more great information!