Speaking Up

A guide to communicating desires and navigating challenges with confidence.

Fourteen years ago, I attended a workshop facilitated by sexuality educator Reid Mihalko entitled “Asking For What You Want Without Shame.” After some instruction and time spent considering what we desired, we began an exercise: Person A would walk up to Person B and say, “I would like more ____.” It could be anything: more money, more sex, more help around the house, more sleep. There would be no discussion or effort of Person B to accommodate Person A’s request. Their role was to listen and simply respond, “Thank you for sharing.” This allowed us to practice identifying and verbalizing what we wanted in a low-stakes environment.

While everyone else immediately paired up and began the exercise, I stood frozen in the middle of the room, buzzing with anxiety. I’d made my list of desires, but I couldn’t even bring myself to walk up to anyone, much less give a voice to what I’d written. Just as I’d begun wondering if I could slip out of the room without anyone noticing me, Reid strode up to me, brimming with friendly energy. “Can I help you?” he asked. I nodded, relieved to have been spared the unthinkable first step of approaching a stranger.

That workshop changed the course of my life. It was the first time I’d been guided through considering what I truly wanted without considering myself selfish or greedy. It was the first time I felt free to express my requests without worrying how the listener would respond. I first began practicing this in non-sexual areas of life: professionally, within my family and friendship dynamics, and then eventually within the realm of sexual experience. Of course, learning to speak up didn’t always mean hearing “yes” in response. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how often the answer is “yes” - how often the people who care about me have been more than happy to provide what I needed once they knew.

Over my years as a sex educator and coach, I’ve heard countless people share challenges around speaking up for what they want in bed: hesitation to share a long-held fantasy out of fear of judgment, shame around sexual performance problems and not knowing how to discuss them, or avoidance around asking for a change during sex when a current position doesn’t feel good - or even hurts. So for this article, I interviewed two amazing sexual communication experts to explain why we hold back and help you identify what you enjoy, how to receive a request from a partner, speak up for your desires, and navigate the feelings that may arise when things don’t go the way you’d planned.

The origin of shame

The workshop I attended years ago was facilitated by Reid Mihalko, founder of ReidAboutSex.com. I interviewed him for this article and asked what keeps us from speaking up for what we want. He told me, “I think the biggest thing is shame. ‘I don't want you to think I'm a bad person because of my desires.’”

And where do we learn this?

Anyone who’s spent time around young children will attest they don’t have any problem telling you what they want or think about any given topic. They also don’t hesitate to do anything with their bodies that feels good - until they’re told otherwise. The way many of our parents taught us about bodily pleasure was to tell us to stop having it, often with fear-based responses informed by upbringings that instilled discomfort around pleasure and sexuality. Reid said, “[As parents, we have] so much unpacked stuff and feelings around sex that when we’re trying to raise children and be good models, we have to confront all of our stuff with none of the tools.”

As a sexuality educator who teaches classes for children and youth, I’m very aware of how few of us were taught positive things about pleasure or sexuality. Through myriad experiences during our childhoods or teen years, many of us internalized messages that we’re wrong or bad for wanting what we want - sexually or otherwise. 

(If you’re a parent, don’t worry - I’ll dedicate a whole article to how to talk about sex with your kids in supportive, age-appropriate ways.)

Tip: Take a moment to reflect on your upbringing. How did your caregivers teach you which types of pleasure were acceptable or unacceptable? What did you learn about gender roles in your home or through the media? Were your gender expressions affirmed and supported? Did it feel safe and comfortable to disclose the gender of your crushes? How did your caregivers talk about sex and pregnancy? What did they not say about sex? If you were raised in a faith tradition, what messages did you receive about sexuality? 

Owning our desires

I’ll share a professional opinion some find controversial: You are responsible for your own orgasm. Meaning, if you wish to have an orgasm during a partnered experience, you’re responsible for both knowing and communicating to your partner how you want to get there. You’re the only one with lived experience in your mind and body and because nobody can read your thoughts, the best anyone can do is guess what you may enjoy. 

I interviewed Marcia Baczynski, a coach, educator, and co-author of Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators. She shared, “There's such a narrative that if you really love each other, you should just know [what they like] and it'll feel right. But sex is a set of skills and you've got to learn the skills.”

When we talked about her experience teaching people how to ask for what they want in bed, she said she suggests folks start by identifying their desires on their own. “What have you liked in the past with other partners? What porn do you like? What erotica do you like? What archetypes appeal to you? Having touch points from fantasy life can be useful.” Archetypes could be things like a hero, a goddess, or a dangerous seductress.

Another thing she considers is, “How do you want to feel? Maybe you don't necessarily know how to get from how you want to feel to specific [sexual] activities, but you don't have to know that ahead of time. You just need to know what things are in or out of bounds and then, once you're in a sexual situation, you can [ask yourself]: does this make me feel more or less like I want to feel?” Do you want to feel seduced, overpowered, worshiped, challenged?

As a sex coach, it wasn’t uncommon in my work with couples to discover that a partner who was perceived as “always wanting sex” didn’t necessarily need sexual intercourse all the time. Sometimes it would come to light that what they craved was connection, a shared sense of intimacy, or simply to be seen, and that only felt accessible through a sexual situation.

Tip: Take time alone to think about fantasies and things you know you’ve enjoyed in the past. Clarify how you want to feel and what’s on or off the table for you - perhaps you often enjoy feeling dominant and in control, but today you’d rather feel cared for and adored. Consider what you’re really wanting out of a sexual experience.

Hearing what’s shared

Learning to speak up does no good if the person hearing your request reacts without compassion. A good rule to follow is “Don’t yuck my yum.” Meaning, if your partner shares a fantasy or desire with you, don’t react with judgment. Sharing something new can be deeply vulnerable and your partner may worry that you’ll judge them or see them differently. 

Reid suggested that an open and affirming mentality gives you room to show up for your partner in new ways. “When you encourage people to tell you what they're vulnerable about, you [get to] rock their world better. They’re telling you how to win with them.”

Marcia added that just because a partner shares something doesn’t mean you’re required to do it right now or even ever. “Your partner wants lots of different things and just because they want a particular thing doesn't mean you have to fulfill it and doesn't mean there's not plenty of fun to be had.” She suggested that each party outline what’s on the table for them and consider where their desires overlap.

If your partner shares an unexpected or challenging desire, it’s ok to take some time to examine your feelings and boundaries. This could also be an opportunity to challenge assumptions you may have about “people who want that.”

As Marcia said, “Probably the hardest lesson for some people to realize is sexuality doesn't belong to the relationship. You each have a sexuality of your own that is ideally overlapping substantially, but will never be identical.” Sexual compatibility is more about finding those areas of overlap than being excited by the exact same things. 

Tip: You can have fun finding that overlap by writing a list of every sexual activity you’ve ever heard of, then mark each one as “want to,” “willing to,” or “no.” “Want to” means you’re enthusiastic about an activity, “willing to” means you’re open to considering it under the right circumstances,” and “no” is simply that. Discuss what you’ve each come up with. You may learn something new about your partner or yourself!

Creating space to try

Before Marcia encourages someone to make a request, she stresses the importance of creating a place in your relationship where you can “play with sex without getting it right.” She suggested asking, “Are you willing to try this? How do you feel about trying this?” She said, “The word try creates room for experimentation and for it to go sideways, which sometimes it does.”

In other words, create a culture in your relationship where you can experiment with a certain thing and see it through the lens of play, rather than a performance that must be perfectly executed. She added, “You’ve got to walk before you can run.” 

Marcia said this could mean planning a date where you both agree to try something new and think of it as a dress rehearsal. What you learn that first time can inform future ideas. After the first time, perhaps you’ll know you need to use more lube than you thought, that one body position works better for you than another, or that you need to find a ropes class to learn how to effectively bind your partner.

Tip: Stay curious and teachable. An activity you tried with a previous partner could feel completely different with someone new, or something you thought you wouldn’t enjoy could be surprisingly pleasurable in this season of life. No matter how well you think you know your partner, bodies and preferences change over time.

Setting the stage

Managing expectations and boundaries before any kind of sexual activity can set the stage for sexual fulfillment. I call this the DEB talk: Desires, Expectations, and Boundaries. Here’s an example script for someone who might be craving intimacy more than penetrative sex:

Desire: “Tonight, I’m craving sensual connection with you. I’d love to have a bath or shower together.”

Expectations: “It’s been a busy weekend, so my energy may be a little low, but I still want to feel close to you.”

Boundaries: “I have work in the morning, so I’d like to be in bed to sleep by 10:30.”

To illustrate Marcia’s suggestion of identifying “how you want to feel,” consider: If you want to feel adored or worshiped, you could add to your Desire section that your partner bathe you, wash your hair, or lovingly pat you dry with a towel.

When the answer is no

The better you get at asking for what you want, the more opportunity you’ll inevitably have to practice hearing “no” without taking it personally. Reid suggested asking yourself, “Can you be a safe place for people to say no? Do you encourage them to say no [by demonstrating] that you can handle your disappointment? I would rather be disappointed than regret that [my partner] did something [they] didn't want to do.”

Reid shared some perspectives specifically for men. “Being a cis guy, one of the things that makes for being a great sexual communicator is being able to give others room to say no and to encourage people to say no.” He explained that when people, especially men, assume that everyone is comfortable saying no, it “makes invisible” all the various reasons people hesitate to say no when they want to, like trauma, religious beliefs, or expectations of family, religion or society, and overall “how much bullshit a lot of people - a lot of women, experience.”

He added, “Everyone, especially men, should learn to say, ‘Hey, if you have any hesitation, if you're a maybe, let's just make that a no.’ And that includes [your partner] changing their mind in the middle of things.” He explained that if you build upon that foundational mentality, “you as a person start to become a safer place for other people to express their desires.”

Tip: If a partner shares a desire and you’re not feeling up for it, try suggesting something you’re actually a yes to. To use the previous example of the DEB talk: “I already took a shower tonight, but I hear your request for sensual connection and would love to make you feel adored. Could I run you a bath and offer you a shoulder massage after you get out?”

When things go sideways

Despite our best efforts, things don’t always work out like we planned. Sometimes we can’t get in the right headspace for a kinky adventure. Penises may refuse to harden, vaginas may refuse to lubricate, or the orgasm we’re working toward may not arrive (or perhaps it arrives sooner than intended). 

People may feel embarrassed if something that’s always worked suddenly doesn’t, and their partner may be inclined to worry they’re doing something wrong or question their attractiveness. Some couples think it’s best to avoid drawing attention to what’s not working and never discuss it, leaving both parties isolated in self-consciousness. Fear of the undesired outcome repeating itself can become a vicious cycle: Our genitals are linked to our nervous systems, and our brains perceiving stress can cause our bodies to respond in ways we don’t want, or not respond at all.

To combat this, Reid shared a tool he developed, affectionately named the Hamster Removal Sequence. He likened feelings of performance anxiety to a hamster running on a squeaky wheel in his mind, which triggers all other insecurities to come running to join. He joked, “Now my whole head is filled with a bunch of squeaky, insecure hamster wheel thoughts of death!” 

Step one, he said, is to acknowledge it. “You notice the hamsters are here and you say to yourself or to [your partner if they’re familiar with this tool], ‘The hamsters are upon us.’” In other words, bring up what’s happening. An example might be: “What you’re doing is feeling great, but I’m worried I’m taking too long and you’re getting bored or annoyed.”

Step two of Reid’s process is to make a request. He advised, “That might feel vulnerable because you’re speaking up about what's actually happening and then asking for something back, but that act of agency is pretty amazing for a lot of people to do during sex.” A request could sound like, “Could you just reassure me that I’m not taking too long/that if you want to stop and do something else, you’ll tell me?”

Being willing to pivot is helpful in these circumstances. If you’re getting frustrated that your body isn’t cooperating, don’t hesitate to change tactics. If your penis won’t get hard, check in on your partner’s desired outcome and discuss which other body parts or toys you can use to give them that outcome. You could be so focused on giving your partner a specific type of sex that you miss the opportunity to connect and have fun together.

As a coach, I would tell my clients: It’s ok to stop and reset. Marcia said, “If you're not having the experience you want, there's a lot to be said for slowing things down. [Say], ‘Let's breathe together, let's have a moment’ - whatever language feels right to you.” Maybe you stop and do something non-sexual for a while, like eating some ice cream and watching a show you both enjoy. You may find you want to try again later, but if not, you’ll know you spent your time together doing something fun. 

Tip: For many male/female couples, sex is defined as vaginal intercourse, which puts pressure on both parties (and their parts). Consider expanding your definition of “sex” to include “sexual activities we enjoy together,” regardless of whether or not penetration or orgasm occur. Can sex include hands? Mouths? Toys shaped like penises or toys that vibrate? What about masturbating together? 

Reading nonverbal cues

It’s easy to assume that if someone doesn’t like what’s happening in bed, they’ll simply tell you. But to Reid’s earlier point, it’s not always easy for people, especially women, to speak up when something isn’t feeling good.

Many societies set an expectation that female pleasure is secondary to male pleasure, or much more work (though both assertions are false). Some people, often women, say they would rather “wait until [their partner] finishes” or “tough it out” than ask for something different. Sometimes what stops a person from speaking up is as simple as them not knowing what they would prefer instead of what’s happening in the moment. Trauma survivors may find it particularly difficult to verbalize if they need to stop. 

Some signs your partner may not be fully enjoying the experience:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Holding their breath

• Going silent/not responding to your questions

• Their body tensing instead of relaxing and moving with yours

• Pulling away instead of moving toward you

This is by no means an exhaustive list but rather a reminder that during an experience to which your partner eagerly consented, they might not feel the pleasure they thought they would, or they could have a sudden internal experience that distracts them.

Tip: Ask your partner what you will see and hear if something isn’t going well for them. If you notice any of these signs, stop what you’re doing and tell your partner what you’re seeing. Examples: “You stopped looking at me after I said ___” or “I noticed your body tensed up when we moved into this position.” Ask if they would like to take a break or try something different. 

Say what you’re not saying

One of the most valuable results of learning to articulate your desires, expectations, and boundaries is that you begin to role model for others that it’s ok for them to do so, too. When you take that courageous first step, you empower your partner to do the same. 

According to Reid, “[Being a great sexual communicator] boils down to learning how to say what you're not saying. Most people's relationships would get better if we all made a commitment to learn how to say what it is we were afraid to talk about.”

I hope that through this article and the words of the experts I interviewed, you’ve learned at least one new thing that will bring you the pleasure you deserve.

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Special thanks to Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski for their contributions to this article. Click their links to learn more about the amazing work they’re doing!