Building a Foundation of Sex Positivity with Dorian Solot
On planting age-appropriate seeds of anatomy, safety, and consent, in your child's earlier years
As an Our Whole Lives educator for grades K-12, I’d heard of Dorian Solot and was excited to learn she co-authored the new K-1 curriculum shortly before I taught it last year. She’s an accomplished sex educator who has also co-authored two great children’s books on anatomy, All About Vulvas and Vaginas and All About Penises. I wanted to get her take on sowing the seeds of sex positivity for young children when I was preparing to write my latest article, The Birds and The Bees.
She agreed to an email interview, so please enjoy our exchange below, and keep an eye out for a future post of all the book recommendations we’ve put together!
EF: Dorian, thank you for agreeing to this email interview. I know you're an in-demand educator, so I appreciate the time you're taking for Shameless. To start, could you give your pronouns, title, and a little about your work?
DS: Dorian Solot (she/her), sex educator, co-author of the second edition of Our Whole Lives K-1, All About Vulvas and Vaginas, and All About Penises.
Most of my sex education work has been with college students. But recently my partner and I have been doing a lot of work focused on sexuality education for young children. We were asked to write the second edition of the Our Whole Lives (OWL) curriculum for kindergarten and first grade. OWL is a curriculum that’s taught nationwide in Unitarian Universalist and United Church of Christ churches, as well as in secular settings.
And we also wrote two books for 3-7-year-olds called All About Vulvas & Vaginas and All About Penises. They came about because my sister called me one day and asked what book she should buy her four-year-old son to answer all the questions he was asking about his penis. When I told her there was no such book, she was shocked. So after I got off the phone, I wrote the first draft! That book, and the equivalent book about vulvas and vaginas, were published this year by Macmillan.
EF: Today, we're discussing how parents and adult caregivers can talk to their kids about sex. Based on your expertise, when do you feel it's appropriate for children to begin receiving sex ed?
DS: When adults hear the phrase “sex ed” it often conjures up topics like puberty or STIs that obviously aren’t developmentally appropriate for young children. But sex ed is absolutely relevant for little kids, teaching them about private parts, consent, bodily autonomy, family diversity, sexual abuse prevention, as well as basic concepts about where babies come from.
It’s easiest to start talking about bodies when your child is still an infant, at the same time they’re learning the words for eyes, ears, elbows, toes. Including penis or vulva right alongside the other words, while you change diapers or give a bath, is easy – it gives the parent practice saying those words, and it includes those body parts in a matter-of-fact way, just another part of the body!
Often by the time a child is two or three, they start asking questions about bodies, and it makes sense to answer their questions and to start teaching the basics of consent and bodily autonomy. Kids need to learn that they can hold their friend’s hand only if their friend wants to hold hands. And respecting kids’ preferences about giving Uncle Harry a hug, fist bump, or high five lays the groundwork for a lifetime of expecting their boundaries about their own body to be respected.
I think that by ages 3-7, most kids are ready to learn the correct names for private parts, messaging about sexual abuse prevention, and consent. For kids who have a new baby join the family in this age range, that’s often a perfect opportunity to explain the basics about how babies are made (regardless of whether the family is being created “the old-fashioned way” or using reproductive technologies, adoption, surrogacy, etc.). And for families that don’t add a younger sibling, this age can still be a great time to get a book and start talking about this topic.
EF: What's your best advice for parents who want to give their children a sex-positive upbringing, but didn't have one themselves?
DS: Children’s books are a parent’s best friend! There are so many great ones now, and they literally give you the words to say, which can make it SO much easier. There’s an excellent group on Facebook, That Parent Group—it’s undergoing a bit of a transition at the moment, but is worth noting as a potential future resource. Parents can also follow sex-positive parenting social media accounts, [which] can answer questions and provide support, giving parents a community of like-minded parents to help them navigate as their kids grow.
EF: How do you suggest parents get past the discomfort that can arise when they have to talk to their children about where babies come from, masturbation, etc.?
DS: Keep in mind that although these topics might be uncomfortable for you as a parent, they can be very simple and matter-of-fact for kids. If you’re answering your child’s question, stay focused on the question they actually asked, answer simply and truthfully, and then ask, “Did that answer your question?”.
The message about masturbation can be as simple as, “It can feel good to touch your [body part.] That’s something it’s fine to do in private, like in your bedroom.” When you notice your young child touching themselves at the dinner table or the playground, rather than bringing any shame or judgment to the activity, just remind them that that’s something to be done in private. It’s just part of learning which activities can be done where, the same way parents teach their kids that feet don’t belong on the dinner table, and crumbly cookies don’t get eaten on the living room rug.
Thank you again to Dorian Solot for her contributions to my article! To follow her work, take a look at:
Her books, All About Vulvas and Vaginas and All About Penises