All About the Butt
A comprehensive guide to the wonderful world of anal pleasure
I love talking about anal sex. It’s a catalytic topic that everyone seems to have an opinion about: they’re curious, they love it, they’ve tried it and hated it, they’ll absolutely never try it, or they silently feel all kinds of complicated things when they think about it. Regardless of opinion, one thing is clear: more people are having anal sex than ever before.
Research conducted by IUSW.org found that 69% of women have bottomed (or received) anal sex and so have 32% of men, with only 28% of folks never having tried anal sex at all. Experimentation with anal sex is at an all-time high, and why wouldn’t it be? A report from The Journal of Sexual Medicine tells us that 19% of cisgender women are able to reach orgasm from anal penetration alone and the internet is full of men hailing prostate orgasms as the holy grail of orgasms. Anal pleasure is gender neutral: everyone’s got a butt, and because of its proximity to our genitals, both external and internal stimulation can feel good and even orgasmic.
That’s not been everyone experience, though. Adult content tends to portray anal sex as a simple process that requires little to no foresight, warm-up, or communication: A top slides in a finger, fist, toy, or penis with no resistance and happily pounds away until orgasms abound. Education about anal sex and pleasure is in woefully low supply, especially in the US, so if one’s only example of anal play is porn, their first experiences could be disappointing at best and, at worst, painful or injurious.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Anal pleasure isn’t limited to penetration, and the more we understand how bodies work, the better we can support ourselves or our partners to amazing experiences. I interviewed Dr. Evan Goldstein, author of Butt Seriously and founder of Bespoke Surgical and Future Method, to give his expert opinion on all things anal. Keep reading if you’d like to learn the anatomy of anal pleasure, how to prepare safely, and how to set yourself up for a great experience with a partner!
A lesson on anal anatomy
Before we begin talking about how to play with butts, let’s go over some essential anatomy. The journey to the butt begins in the alimentary canal, which starts with the mouth and ends with the anus. From one point to the other is, essentially, one long tube made of various organs. This system breaks down food so we can digest it, extracts nutrients for us to use, and excretes whatever we don’t need into waste at the end. You may have heard the word sphincter and associated it with the anus; however, there are over 50 different types of sphincters in the body, some as large as a walnut and others microscopic. Their job is to open and close passages in the body, some voluntarily and others involuntarily. (Did you know you have sphincters in your eyes, which control the narrowing or constriction of your pupils? Pregnant folks are talking about sphincters when they discuss the cervix dilating during labor.) When you swallow food or liquid, you activate involuntary sphincters. When you feel the need to poop but hold it until you get to the bathroom, you’re activating a primarily voluntary sphincter.
Once food is broken down in the stomach, it passes into the small intestine for absorption, then into the large intestine to be made into waste. There’s a passageway called the rectum that’s about five or six inches long, which is where waste is held before it’s expelled. When it’s full, nerves trigger your body to tell you it’s time to go to the bathroom.
The anus is the end point of the alimentary canal. While the exit of waste from our bodies can be somewhat voluntary, in that you usually get to choose when you poop, the digestive process is an involuntary process. (We learn to “hold it” as toddlers when we transition from diapers to the toilet, but the ability to do so doesn’t kick in until after the age of 12 months.) In order to help you hold onto your waste until you’re ready to dispel it, you have an internal sphincter just ahead of your anus.
If we’re working in reverse, as we might be for anal penetration, a top will be penetrating through the bottom’s anus, past the internal sphincter, and enter the rectum. Unless a bottom is receiving much larger and longer items, most anal sex will happen here.
Note: (The word “top” refers to someone who’s giving in the anal experience and “bottom” to someone who’s receiving. Anyone can top or bottom, regardless of gender or genitalia.)
Whether you’ve topped or bottomed, if you’ve ever tried to penetrate or be penetrated anally and felt the way blocked, you’ve likely encountered the internal sphincter. Because it’s controlled involuntarily, you may have found you can’t will it to open or push past it without pain.
Tip: One way to coax the internal sphincter to relax is to help the bottom feel safe. If a bottom has experienced trauma or pain in this area before or is feeling nervous, their body might hesitate to soften here. Try to activate the parasympathetic nervous system: lower the lights or place a blindfold on them if they’re open to it, practice some deep breathing and exhale with sound, or try other forms of physical touch that the person finds relaxing. Never push or try to force your way through! You may need to build some trust over multiple sessions before you can proceed.
It’s worth noting that when the internal sphincter is able to soften and open, what’s inserted anally will be pulled inward. This is crucial to remember, and it’s for this reason that we have the mantra “Without a base; without a trace.” Toys made for anal play will have a flared base at the bottom that prevents them from being “sucked” in, where they would otherwise merit a trip to the emergency room or a surgical suite.
Tip: Even if humiliation is a kink of yours, there’s no need for this risk to your health when Spectrum Boutique has an abundance of anal-safe toys. (My readers can use the promo code “shameless” for 15% off.)
The internal anal tissue is lined with mucosa to aid in bowel movements. However, unlike the vagina, the anus is not self-lubricating, and additional lubrication both internally and externally is absolutely necessary for pleasurable and healthy sex. The tissue inside the anal cavity is quite thin and can tear easily, as you may have noticed if you’ve ever passed harder-than-usual stool and noticed a little blood on your toilet paper afterwards.
If you read Dr. Goldstein’s book, you’ll learn about the research his clinic has done on how your anatomy can play into your anal sex experience. He told me, “We know through Bespoke Surgical and through anal testing that there are different bottoms in the world. There’s one type that, no matter what, can take anything right from the get-go. That's like porn stars. You see them opening up their asses, they're able to have the longevity of sex and not have issues. Two-thirds of the population are gonna have problems. If you go from nothing to something big, without lube, without proper positioning, without understanding your anatomy, you're gonna have a bad time. And then that [person] says, ‘Well, anal's not for me.’”
He continued, “I think the reality is [that] people think you can go from nothing to dick right away, or from nothing to a big toy, and take it. Most people can't.” Or perhaps there are anatomical issues causing problems. “Sometimes it doesn't feel good because you have a cut that's there, which is what's called an anal fissure, or let's say post-pregnancy, you have a hemorrhoid and that hemorrhoid creates friction.” He added, “And in the book, we [discuss] if it’s a transient thing that should get better in three to five to seven days, or is it something more chronic? And if it’s chronic, then we need to see someone.”
His book outlines how to learn what kind of bottom you have and how to start training your butt with glass dilators and exercises. These are informed by his work with patients over many years and are designed to help your body relax when you want it to during play.
Anal play and pleasure zones
Assuming someone has no chronic issues (or has resolved them) and has explored to the point that they feel comfortable and confident with anal penetration, there’s a whole world of pleasure to be had. Let’s talk about why.
Male reproductive systems
If you were assigned male at birth, you were likely born with a prostate. That’s a walnut-shaped organ located just in front of the rectum, below the bladder. Its job is to make the fluid for semen and it helps push fluid through the urethra in the penis. This organ is surrounded by nerve endings and stimulating it can create pleasurable sensations, intensify your orgasms, or prompt orgasms. The prostate can be stimulated via the anus by toys or a partner. Men who receive anal penetration may find they have much more powerful orgasms and can combine the sensation with simultaneous penis stimulation.
Female reproductive systems
If you were assigned female at birth, you were likely born with a vagina, clitoris, cervix, and uterus. The entire female reproductive system coordinates for pleasure, thanks to the pudendal nerve and clitoral structure. Within the front wall of the vagina and back toward the cervix are zones that can create pleasure when stimulated. During anal penetration, those spots, as well as the cervix, can be stimulated, resulting in enhanced pleasure or orgasm. Many women enjoy clitoral stimulation during both vaginal and anal penetration.
Tip: Never go from anal penetration to vaginal penetration without washing, changing toys or swapping barriers. The microscopic bacteria that lives in the anal tract, when introduced to the vaginal tract, can cause UTIs and bacterial vaginosis (BV), both of which require medication to cure.
Preparing for an anal adventure
Know your testing status
It’s important to note that, while anal sex can be an incredible time for all involved, it is considered a high-risk sexual activity, especially if you’re a bottom and your top is using a penis to penetrate you. While anal sex doesn’t inherently cause HIV, receiving anal sex with a penis is up to 18 times more effective at transmitting HIV than vaginal sex if your partner has it. I urge folks to know their testing status and that of their partner and to use barriers, especially if they’re unsure about their partner’s status.
Tip: Thanks to modern technology, you can even do your testing in the privacy of your own home through kits you order online or purchase from your local drugstore. STDcheck.com can help you locate a testing center near you.
Getting ready to play
If you’re interested in anal play, your day-of preparation routine can be as simple or elaborate as you wish, but should always include communication with your partner. Talk to them about their fantasies and what about anal sex turns you on. Do you have specific types of anal sex acts you’d like to enjoy together? Make sure they’re up for it day-of.
Mentally preparing for your experience can be a great part of the fun. This can include sharing fantasies with your partner via text, sending sexy pictures of your butt, and discussing your boundaries for the upcoming session. Is your goal penetration? Or do you just want to explore sensations with lube and external stimulation?
Tip: When discussing plans for anal play with a partner, ask if penetration is on the table or not. Many folks equate anal sex as penetration with a penis or a large toy, not realizing that anal stimulation can be limited to the external body and include tickling, rubbing, stroking, and licking. It can take a lot of pressure off the bottom, especially if they’re new to playing there.
If you do want to be penetrated, you may prefer to be more intentional about your nutrition. Are your bowel movements regular enough that certain times of day are better for anal play than others? Think about eating food that can contribute to healthy, regular pooping. Dr. Goldstein’s book discusses the importance of getting enough fiber and looking at your nutrition and its effects on your poop quality and schedule. He added, “Start to think of gut health first before butt health.” And each person is different. He explained, “I think a lot of people will have smaller meals or more chicken or protein [beforehand], versus something that's a little bit more fatty or gassy or bloating.” It’s up to you to figure out what works best for your body.
Should you avoid food altogether before anal? Nope. You should eat as you normally would, though you may, as Dr. Goldstein suggested, consider eating lighter, healthier things that won’t give you gas or sudden diarrhea.
Tip: You may have heard famed sex advice columnist Dan Savage’s advice to “fuck first” before a date. If you know sex is on the table as part of your date night, he suggests to prioritize sex early in the date, before eating a big meal or having an exhausting night out. This can be useful advice for anal sex, too, as the digestive system starts moving when you eat.
Physical preparation can be part of your pre-anal rituals. For some, that includes anal douching (flushing water into the rectum) to clear out any lingering remnants of stool and boost confidence of their own “cleanliness” while others just like to take a shower and wash externally. Dr. Goldstein isn’t a proponent of douching - he sees it as an unnecessary stressor that can take up valuable time and he’s seen problems arise from folks overdoing it. He told me, “We know that people who douche have microbiome changes. There's a normal microbiome in the ass - there's good and there's bad bacteria, but they're in equilibrium. When you're using water or when you're using enemas to clean out, you are fucking with that equilibrium. [You’re] changing the microbiome and the body tries to support that. So it produces a lot more mucus - it irritates the lining and there's a response to that. Now it's raw inside [and] you have a higher risk of STDs. You have a higher risk of HIV infection and anal trauma.” However, he understands people will still douche, so he’s developed tools to help folks do so in a healthy, body-supported way.
One thing you should never skip, though, is using toys by yourself before you play. Dr. Goldstein stressed the importance of this: “One, it pre-dilates you. Two, it pre-lubricates you. And if [you’re] douching, [you’ll] use the toy after douching because it'll prove to you that you're clean. It gets rid of any extra liquid in that space.” He added that using a dilator toy before any douching will also help build confidence that you don’t have anything to worry about - if the toy is free of any debris, your play should be, too.
A note on anal sex and messiness
Now, to address the fears some folks have about a huge, violent mess ruining their anal experience and possibly sex forever: This is extremely unlikely. Poop only sits in the rectum when it’s about to come out; if you always feel the “I need to go” sensation before pooping and you have regular, healthy bowel movements, there’s no reason to expect something to suddenly change. And listen to your body - if you’re starting to feel ominous intestinal cramping or nausea before your date, it’s always ok to take anal off the table and try again another day. There are myriad ways to play and have fun together even if one body part isn’t available. Remember that this experience is about engaging with your partner in a fun, sexy way. Try to let go of rigid expectations.
Per Dr. Goldstein’s instructions in his book, if you’re going to douche before anal sex, use a smaller bottle and avoid flushing out too deeply. It doesn’t take much water to flush out the rectum, but if you flood more water in, you run the risk of pushing water into the large intestine, where waste may actually be waiting. This can result in needing to douche for way longer than you’d planned before you feel “clean,” and who needs that extra stress?
I appreciate the perspective Dr. Goldstein shared with me about the fear people have about messiness during anal: “Sex can be dirty. It doesn't only need to be shit, right?” In other words, sex is inherently messy and germy, whether you encounter saliva, sticky lube, vaginal fluids, semen, or menstrual blood. At the end of the day, you’re both going to take a shower anyway. And worst case scenario, there’s nothing wrong with a top kindly telling their partner, “Oops, we’ve got a bit of a mess - why don’t we hop in the shower, I’ll give you a massage, and then we’ll decide if we want to play some more?”
Tip: Talk to your partner about their expectations around anal sex and what they’d like to happen if things go wrong. You might ask if they expect anal douching, how they like to prepare mentally, if they like to fantasize together about it beforehand, what kind of anal foreplay they enjoy, what kind of lube and barriers they like to have on hand, and how they would like to handle things if there’s a mess.
Setting the stage
Let’s imagine that you’ve had some great conversations with your partner and you’re feeling great about the potential for anal play. If you’re bottoming, you’ve prepared to the degree that makes you feel comfortable and confident. What’s next?
Items to consider
A few purchases in advance can make your experience easier and more pleasurable. The one non-negotiable: lube. You’ll have options here:
Water-based: This lube is compatible with barriers like condoms and dental dams and toys. It won’t stain your sheets or clothing. However, you may need to apply this more often throughout your experience as this type of lube will dry easily and doesn’t hold up to friction as well as some others do. Look for a “thick” water-based lube like this one from Sliquid.
Oil-based: This type of lube is a bit lesser known, but you can use it with toys and it has some staying power for anal sex. Be warned, though: it can stain sheets and other fabrics, and it is not safe to use with barriers. Check out this one from Intamo and test it on your skin before you play with it to ensure you have no allergies to plant-based oils.
Silicone-based: This lube is a fan favorite for anal play and shower sex because it holds up well with friction and you won’t need to reapply it as often as water-based options. It shouldn’t stain fabrics and it’s safe with barriers. However, avoid using silicone lube with silicone toys. Try this one from Pjur.
Some folks prefer to use condoms for anal play, and if that’s the case, be sure to pick up ones you both like (not just one - have several on hand). People with penises may use condoms during anal play as part of their safer sex practices to help prevent STI transmission, to last longer during sex, to prevent pregnancy (more on that in a moment), or they may choose to wear them to protect themselves from bacteria in the anal tract. (While rare, exposure to certain bacterias in the anal tract can increase the risk of UTIs for people with penises, even if the bottom has douched. You can’t sterilize your butt anymore than you can sterilize your mouth.) If using internal anal toys, condoms can provide a smoother sensation for some bottoms. Ask your partner what they prefer!
Note: Most folks assume that people with uteruses can’t get pregnant from anal sex with a penis. While the anal tract doesn’t connect to the female reproductive tract, the anus is very close to the vagina, and semen that’s dripped or smeared from the anus can wind up in the reproductive tract. It’s rare, but pregnancy can occur this way. As a best practice, if you’re trying to avoid STIs and pregnancies, condoms are recommended.
As Dr. Goldstein suggested, using toys before you play with a partner can help prime your body and pre-lubricate you, since you’ll be putting lube on your toys before inserting them. You can consider Future Method’s glass dilator kit for easy-to-clean options that are compatible with any kind of lube.
You can also consider a lube shooter for inserting lube into the rectum before penetration. Lube should, of course, be generously applied to anything before it’s inserted into a butt (another mantra for you: “Too much lube is almost enough”), but adding lube internally is a wonderful way to make your bottom more comfortable. This set from b-Vibe is a great choice.
Because you should be using lots and lots of lube during your experience, I suggest grabbing a towel you don’t mind getting messy (especially if you’re using an oil-based lube that can stain) or water wipes to get lube off hands between positions. If you’re feeling fancy, a Liberator throw is a great investment to protect your sheets from any kind of sexy messes you might make in the future. They come in lots of sizes to suit your needs.
What to avoid
I’d like to address some common mistakes that can make for an unpleasant anal experience:
Not communicating with your partner about your desires, expectations, and boundaries around anal exploration. Consent is key, and important decisions about a high-risk sexual activity shouldn’t be made in the heat of the moment. If you’re curious, say something outside of a sexual experience.
Being under the influence. Some folks feel they’ll be less nervous and more relaxed if they have a few drinks or use some other substance beforehand. But this can be dangerous - if you’re impaired, you’re less likely to notice your partner’s cues if they’re hurting or to notice your own body’s cues if it’s not feeling good. If you’re not ready enough to try it sober, you’re not ready. Talk to your partner about what might be causing your nerves, slow things down, and work up to what you’re looking to explore.
Using numbing creams or gels. Anal sex should never hurt. If it hurts, you should stop immediately - this is not the time to “power through.” Anal sex your body isn’t ready for can injure you and even if you are ready, it can exacerbate an existing injury you didn’t know you had. Listen to your body and communicate with your partner.
Going from no anal experience to taking a big toy or a penis. I can’t stress enough the importance of working up to penetration and even when you do get there, starting with small toys before something bigger. (Dr. Goldstein’s book has an exercise regimen for teaching your body how to open up.)
Letting the top drive the entire experience. In most adult content, anal sex is initiated by the top and the top sets the pace for the whole experience. The bottom is most often depicted as “taking it” the entire time. However, I’ll give you another mantra: “My butt, my rules.” If you’re the bottom, you get to set the pace and decide what positions work for you. (Butt Seriously also has a great chapter of positions ranked for less experienced folks to those more seasoned.) And for tops, Dr. Goldstein told me, “If you're first working with someone, face each other; let them be on top so they're in control. Look at their face and are they grimacing? Are they in pain? Are they able to enjoy? Obviously, lots of lube and understanding [that] you just get hard and lay there and like let the other person navigate.” He added, “I think the key with anal is to start slow. Slow and steady wins.”
The stigma of “taking it” as a straight man
While many of us remember the pegging scene from Deadpool, it’s no surprise that straight, cisgender men often have a hard time receiving anal from a female partner. Homophobia and sexism are hard at work here, activating insecurities about being “gay” or less masculine with subconsious messages that being penetrated is for feminine people. But Dr. Goldstein thinks there’s something to be said for sitting with those fears. He said, “When you start to break down why you’re only a top and not a bottom, you start to really look more into your own self. A lot of it is this heterosexual stigma and taboo, which is total bullshit. We know that, but there's religious and cultural and a lot of different background stigmas and phobias in that. So how do you analyze that?”
When I asked him what advice he has for men who are maybe curious but too scared to try it, he laughed and said, “Yeah, I think you gotta fucking do it because it feels so great!” He emphasized that anal experiences for everyone - including straight, male bottoms - have steadily increased over the last 10-15 years, so there’s got to be something to it. He added, “It's where everybody's going. So we know that there's positive there.”
But he also had some words of encouragement for men who want to explore. “I think first, it's going super slow and trying to figure out - if you're really unsure on a pegging perspective, what about tickling or analingus to say, ‘Wait a second, does that feel good?’ And then it's slowly working into, ‘How do I get a little bit more comfortable with it?’ with toys or on your own or [with] a partner that you super trust in that space.” He added, “It takes time, it's hard.” But, the rewards can be great, he said: “Especially once you have a prostate orgasm - a true prostate orgasm - it's like none other. You will not have that with straight vaginal play.”
And to anyone of any gender, he added “I think the best tops, the best givers, also receive.”
For some folks, anal play may never be on the table, and that’s ok. But if you’ve ever been curious or turned on from seeing it in porn or reading about it in a smutty romance novel, I hope you now feel empowered to try (or try again). I’d like to assure you that our bodies are capable of so much pleasure, and with the right steps, you can access totally new sensations and ways to express yourself sexually. Whether you’ve never let anyone touch your butt or you’ve had a few experiences, I hope this article has given you some ideas and a bit more confidence about how to navigate all things anal. We all deserve painless, pleasure-filled sex, and if you want to get the conversation started with a partner, I suggest you send them this article!
Special thanks to Dr. Evan Goldstein for the important work he does in this world through Bespoke Surgical and Future Method! Paid subscribers will be able to watch our full interview soon!
“Assigned” male at birth 😂
Absolutely! 😜👍